So, today was the first day of my senior year. Since your senior year is supposed to be this huge, momentous thing, I decided that I should probably blog about it. I don't really know where to start, though. So, if this blog seems completely unorganized and it seems like I'm just rambling on ...it's probably because I am. So. Here it goes:
Bed around 2am + alarm set for 6:25 = the perfect combination to start off my senior year with. Josh text me around 6:20something this morning and woke me up with a "good morning, beautiful :)" text. When I heard my phone ding and realized my room was still pitch black, I momentarily wanted to stab whomever texted me in the middle of the night. ...aaaand then I realized it was the morning already as my alarm went off about 2 minutes later. So, no worries, Joshua was in the clear this time. Hahaha. So, after realizing it was time to get my lazy ass out of bed, I did just that -- after numerous attempts, may I add. I then proceeded to shower, do my hair, makeup, ect. Blah blah blah, you know the drill.
My morning routine wasn't any different from any previous school year, but for some reason, it felt different this time. I guess because it sort of was different. Walking into school felt ...well, better. I guess because I knew I was finally at the top again, finally the oldest again... I don't know. I guess I just didn't feel any of the insecurities that I had in the previous years. I don't really think that had very much to do with the fact that I was oldest, though. I think it was just... I don't know. I sort of feel like since Dre and I broke up, I've lost most of my insecurities. I guess most of them came from me trying to live up to his expectations, though. But since we've broken up, I've felt... I don't know. So much more free and so much more CONFIDENT. I feel like this summer was sort of a transformation period for me. Like I finally had the freedom to grow into my own skin and just be ME. Me and only me, not the me anyone else wants me to be. And I think Josh helps with that, too. I guess because when I'm around him, I don't feel any pressure to meet any of his standards. I feel like I can just be ME around him, and that's okay. And having that positive influence in my life, having someone saying "hey, it's okay to be you", is what I've needed for a long, long time. It's what I THOUGHT I had, but clearly, I was wrong.
BUT. Back to senior year. Today was fun, I guess. Everyone was incredibly excited to finally start their last "first day" of school. Sitting in homeroom, you could feel the energy emanating from all of the excited seniors around the room. And, of course, the question on everyone's mind was "So... can we graduate yet?" (as Matt so kindly screamed out in the middle of homeroom). Or, as Matt also so kindly screamed out, "Buy a yearbook? Why the fuck would I buy a book full of people that I don't like?!". Hahahaha. But yeah, homeroom was interesting.
Honors English 4 was pretty legit, although as Ariel and I pointed out, half of the kids in that class need to gtfo. Seriously. If U tLk LyK dIs, then you shouldn't fucking be in Honors English 4, and especially not the Honors English 4 that corresponds with AP LIT. Gtfo if you can't spell, because my ass is not sitting on a carpet square because a couple of dipshits want to take up desk space and waste oxygen. No. Just no.
Mmm, AP Physics was alright. I can already tell our class is going to become a little family. Mr.Ward is pretty quirky and since I sit in the front, I can't really text, which sucks. But I sit next to a really smart Korean kid, so that's a plus. AP Stat was whatever, and my online classes were... uh, well. We didn't really start them today. Instead, Tessa, Ariel, Aryn, and Sacha walked around looking for Mrs.Bartlett to get our textbooks, ask about early release IDs, get my schedule changed so I didn't have to sit in student services for a second longer, anddd to get away from the NCVPS guy in the computer lap. ...Uhm, Mr.MCVPS guy? Being hired to be our babysitter for the first week while we can't leave does not make you important. Asking Tessa, Aryn, Ariel, Sacha and I if we have over a 3.0gpa to qualify for unofficial release was rather insulting, but also comical. Are you serious? You said 3.0 like it was a feat. Like you didn't think we'd long surpassed that. Ha. Hahaha. Seriously, you deserved it when Tessa burst out laughing in your face. You just can't ask us those kinds of questions, man.
Anddd after that, my school day was over. Day 1 of senior year: complete. Only another 184 to go, apparently. I'll probably blog again sometime soon (provided that I have internet) since hurricane Irene seems to be headed our way this weekend and the bridge leading off CB will likely be shut down. Anywaysss, that's it, I guess.
Day 1: complete.
Let's knock the other 184 out ASAP.
Ready, set ...GO.
lovelovelove,
Morgan.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Stuff they never told me.
Dear younger me,
Don't fall so madly in love while you're still in highschool. You are young, you are beautiful, and you don't deserve the heartbreak he's going to cause you. Don't waste your time trying to fit his image of beauty, because it is not who you are nor is it beautiful. He is going to break your heart and leave you with nothing, and it's going to feel as if your heart is clawing its way out of your chest and as if your world is coming to a screeching halt all at the same time. I promise, this won't be the case unless you let it. Get up, stop wearing his shirts and cuddling with those damn teddy bears. You deserve so much more than that.
Oh, and another thing. Open your eyes, sweetie. You know that boy that you refuse to cut from your life for the boy you think loves you? Yeah, well, he's something special. He hasn't let you down yet and he's not going to. Answer your phone when he calls you after your heart gets broken. He's not calling to sweep you off your feet, he's calling to pick up the pieces of your heart, dust you off, and set you on the path to recovery. He's going to be there at 1am when you need someone to talk to just because. He's going to be the best friend he's always been, but he's also going to become so much more. He loves you, y'know. Stop pretending like he'll never be a romantic interest for you, because he will be. Take a chance and let yourself fall freely for him, because he's nothing like the last guy who broke your heart. In fact, he might just be the next guy to steal your heart. When he mentions painting his room, offer to help. I promise you won't regret it.
Sincerely,
An older, wiser me.
Don't fall so madly in love while you're still in highschool. You are young, you are beautiful, and you don't deserve the heartbreak he's going to cause you. Don't waste your time trying to fit his image of beauty, because it is not who you are nor is it beautiful. He is going to break your heart and leave you with nothing, and it's going to feel as if your heart is clawing its way out of your chest and as if your world is coming to a screeching halt all at the same time. I promise, this won't be the case unless you let it. Get up, stop wearing his shirts and cuddling with those damn teddy bears. You deserve so much more than that.
Oh, and another thing. Open your eyes, sweetie. You know that boy that you refuse to cut from your life for the boy you think loves you? Yeah, well, he's something special. He hasn't let you down yet and he's not going to. Answer your phone when he calls you after your heart gets broken. He's not calling to sweep you off your feet, he's calling to pick up the pieces of your heart, dust you off, and set you on the path to recovery. He's going to be there at 1am when you need someone to talk to just because. He's going to be the best friend he's always been, but he's also going to become so much more. He loves you, y'know. Stop pretending like he'll never be a romantic interest for you, because he will be. Take a chance and let yourself fall freely for him, because he's nothing like the last guy who broke your heart. In fact, he might just be the next guy to steal your heart. When he mentions painting his room, offer to help. I promise you won't regret it.
Sincerely,
An older, wiser me.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Love song for no one.
Searching all my days just to find you.
I'm not sure who I'm looking for,
I'll know it
when I see you.
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom,
staying up all night just to write
a love song for no one.
I'm tired of being alone,
so hurry up and get here.
I'm tired of being along,
so hurry up and get here.
I could have met you in a sandbox,
I could have passed you on the sidewalk.
Could I have missed my chance,
and watched you walk away?
Sdfgh. I freaking love John Mayer with a passion. His songs are so cute-sy and just. I don't know. But I really enjoy listening to them. A lot.
I sort of want to start drawing again. Or painting. Or do something artsy. I miss being creative and such, but I just have no idea what to draw or paint. Ever. So, instead, I'm just getting out all of my creative juices (as well as stress) through venting to this blog. Wonderful, huh? I feel like I should start drawing again, though. I was good. I guess I'm just scared that I won't be as good as I used to be and I'll get frustrated. I guess that does sound pretty stupid, though. I'm scared to start drawing again because I won't be as good as I used to? Oh please. I really just need to suck it up, get some paper and my Prismacolors, and start drawing.
SOMEONE GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS OF WHAT TO DRAW.
Actually, I don't know how many people actually read this shit anymore. I doubt anyone does. It used to be a handful of us who blogged, but I guess we've all outgrown it. Or just never have the time anymore. I know it's not that we don't have anything to say, because we could write a fucking soap opera with all of the shit that goes down in our lives. I guess the only one who really reads it anymore is Josh, but only when I tell him I post stuff. So, I guess this is probably going to end up being like my little online diary. Again. Oops.
I feel weird writing all of this stuff knowing that Josh might read it. I guess that sounds really dumb, but. I don't know. I basically spill my life onto this damb blog and I really haven't let anyone in since me and Dre broke up. Of course the girls know a lot of what goes on in my life, but they don't know near as much as what I post on this blog. In fact, I don't think they know about Josh and I. I mean, I mentioned to Heidi and Megan how he was being really sweet to me and that I thought I was developing feelings for him, but because of my hectic schedule I haven't really been able to talk to them much about it this week. So, long story short, I feel weird knowing that, once again, someone is going to be able to get inside my head. Know what I'm thinking. Understand how I'm feeling. It's weird, y'know?
SDFGH. I AM SO READY FOR THIS WEEKEND THAT IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY. So far, I have preeeetty much my whole weekend booked. Oops. So, here it is:
Friday afternoon: Blockbuster with Tyler and/or hang with Heidi & Megan
Saturday morning: Hang with Megan and Heidi
Saturday afternoon: Hang with Joshuaaa
Saturday night: Hang with Cait, Gloria, Tyler, Alex, Danne and Max
Sunday, all day: Hang with the gang! (Cait, Gloria, Tyler, Danne, Alex & Max)
Sdfgh. It is going to be SO SO SO MUCH FUN. I love our little weekend group. That being me, Cait, Gloria, Tyler, Danne, Alex and Max. We always have so so so much fun together. And we do stupid shit. And it's okay because nobody judges anyone else. We dance like nobody is watching. We sing like nobody can hear us. We scream like we hate each other when really, we love each other. We lose our sanity. We eat too much food. We have fun. We laugh. We smile. We get along. And I love it.
Speaking of dancing like nobody is watching, Saturday was so so so fucking hilarious. When our little group was sitting on the lifeguard stand listening to music, a couple of us started dancing when we were sitting down. And eventually I was like "aw, fuck this" and just stood up and started dancing. And I know the people walking by were like "...what the hell is she doing?" But gah, it was so much fun. I thanked my lucky stars that Josh didn't walk up when I was dancing. Thattt would have been a nice, warming welcome. "OH HAI, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN LIKE FOREVER, BUT THIS IS ME DANCING TO "DOWN ON ME" LIKE A HO WHILE CAIT AND GLORIA SING ALONG." Yeah. Wonderful.
Oh. and if this blog entry seems random as hell, that's probably because I'm losing my mind from taking the AP Lang exam today. I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT FOR 2 DAYS. So on Friday, expect a blog entry ranting like hell about it. Kthanks. But, I did find where people started to work out the 2011 Calc BC exam online WHICH WAS POSTED AFTER THE FRQ's WERE ALLOWED TO BE TALKED ABOUT, SO NOBODY SHOOT ME. But, whoever posted them must have gotten their green insert back (I didn't, not fair!). BUTTT if their work is right, then I did really awesome on the exam. And that would be amazing. Anddd I would be so so so happy. :D
Anyways. That is all.
Lovelovelove,
Morgan
I'm not sure who I'm looking for,
I'll know it
when I see you.
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom,
staying up all night just to write
a love song for no one.
I'm tired of being alone,
so hurry up and get here.
I'm tired of being along,
so hurry up and get here.
I could have met you in a sandbox,
I could have passed you on the sidewalk.
Could I have missed my chance,
and watched you walk away?
Sdfgh. I freaking love John Mayer with a passion. His songs are so cute-sy and just. I don't know. But I really enjoy listening to them. A lot.
I sort of want to start drawing again. Or painting. Or do something artsy. I miss being creative and such, but I just have no idea what to draw or paint. Ever. So, instead, I'm just getting out all of my creative juices (as well as stress) through venting to this blog. Wonderful, huh? I feel like I should start drawing again, though. I was good. I guess I'm just scared that I won't be as good as I used to be and I'll get frustrated. I guess that does sound pretty stupid, though. I'm scared to start drawing again because I won't be as good as I used to? Oh please. I really just need to suck it up, get some paper and my Prismacolors, and start drawing.
SOMEONE GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS OF WHAT TO DRAW.
Actually, I don't know how many people actually read this shit anymore. I doubt anyone does. It used to be a handful of us who blogged, but I guess we've all outgrown it. Or just never have the time anymore. I know it's not that we don't have anything to say, because we could write a fucking soap opera with all of the shit that goes down in our lives. I guess the only one who really reads it anymore is Josh, but only when I tell him I post stuff. So, I guess this is probably going to end up being like my little online diary. Again. Oops.
I feel weird writing all of this stuff knowing that Josh might read it. I guess that sounds really dumb, but. I don't know. I basically spill my life onto this damb blog and I really haven't let anyone in since me and Dre broke up. Of course the girls know a lot of what goes on in my life, but they don't know near as much as what I post on this blog. In fact, I don't think they know about Josh and I. I mean, I mentioned to Heidi and Megan how he was being really sweet to me and that I thought I was developing feelings for him, but because of my hectic schedule I haven't really been able to talk to them much about it this week. So, long story short, I feel weird knowing that, once again, someone is going to be able to get inside my head. Know what I'm thinking. Understand how I'm feeling. It's weird, y'know?
SDFGH. I AM SO READY FOR THIS WEEKEND THAT IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY. So far, I have preeeetty much my whole weekend booked. Oops. So, here it is:
Friday afternoon: Blockbuster with Tyler and/or hang with Heidi & Megan
Saturday morning: Hang with Megan and Heidi
Saturday afternoon: Hang with Joshuaaa
Saturday night: Hang with Cait, Gloria, Tyler, Alex, Danne and Max
Sunday, all day: Hang with the gang! (Cait, Gloria, Tyler, Danne, Alex & Max)
Sdfgh. It is going to be SO SO SO MUCH FUN. I love our little weekend group. That being me, Cait, Gloria, Tyler, Danne, Alex and Max. We always have so so so much fun together. And we do stupid shit. And it's okay because nobody judges anyone else. We dance like nobody is watching. We sing like nobody can hear us. We scream like we hate each other when really, we love each other. We lose our sanity. We eat too much food. We have fun. We laugh. We smile. We get along. And I love it.
Speaking of dancing like nobody is watching, Saturday was so so so fucking hilarious. When our little group was sitting on the lifeguard stand listening to music, a couple of us started dancing when we were sitting down. And eventually I was like "aw, fuck this" and just stood up and started dancing. And I know the people walking by were like "...what the hell is she doing?" But gah, it was so much fun. I thanked my lucky stars that Josh didn't walk up when I was dancing. Thattt would have been a nice, warming welcome. "OH HAI, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN LIKE FOREVER, BUT THIS IS ME DANCING TO "DOWN ON ME" LIKE A HO WHILE CAIT AND GLORIA SING ALONG." Yeah. Wonderful.
Oh. and if this blog entry seems random as hell, that's probably because I'm losing my mind from taking the AP Lang exam today. I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT FOR 2 DAYS. So on Friday, expect a blog entry ranting like hell about it. Kthanks. But, I did find where people started to work out the 2011 Calc BC exam online WHICH WAS POSTED AFTER THE FRQ's WERE ALLOWED TO BE TALKED ABOUT, SO NOBODY SHOOT ME. But, whoever posted them must have gotten their green insert back (I didn't, not fair!). BUTTT if their work is right, then I did really awesome on the exam. And that would be amazing. Anddd I would be so so so happy. :D
Anyways. That is all.
Lovelovelove,
Morgan
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
When one blog a day just won't do.
Okay, so I know that I ranted about a ton of shit in my last blog post, but now I've decided that I have more to say (but, is that really suprising?). I just. Sdfgh. I don't know. I am tired of denying shit to myself, I really am.
So, straight up, here it is: I have a thing for Joshua.
Plain and simple.
And I am tired of my friends trying to influence my feelings. Because it is not working. At all. Sure, he's not perfect -- but neither am I. Nobody is. If we look for all of the reasons why we shouldn't do something in life, we might miss all of the reasons why we should. And I don't want to miss out on something potentially wonderful because of my silly fears of what could potentially go wrong.
SHIT HAPPENS. SHIT GOES WRONG. And you know what? We deal with it. We always have, we always will. That's life, and it's how life will always be. So there is no reason to wait around for life to change, because it won't. There will always be risks in life. Always. But if we never take risks, we will never get anywhere. We will miss out on so much. We will always ask "what if?", but we will never really know.
And that's why I'm done pretending like I don't have feelings for Josh. Because I do. He makes me happy in some weird, unexplainable way. He listens, he cares, and he talks to me when nobody else will. And he's such a strong person -- God, he's a strong person. Stronger than most of the people I know combined. And he's been through hell and back and he's still strong. He's still standing. And he's still working to make something great of his life. He is determined. He is hilarious. And he makes me happy, goddamnit. I'm tired of caring if he doesn't make Caitlin or Alex or Danne or Gloria or Tyler or any-fucking-one else happy. They don't talk to him, so why should it matter if he lives up to their standards? It shouldn't. And it no longer does. I can easily, EASILY say that I have made better choices relationship-wise than most of the people telling me that I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I know how to hold a relationship. I know how to deal with people. I know how to compromise and work shit out. I know how to handle this kind of stuff, I did for 3 years straight and made shit work when nobody else thought it could or would. I am a big girl, and I don't need people holding my hand and guarding me throughout life. I can deal with shit myself. And in the worst case scenario, I'll learn a little something from it if shit goes wrong. That's the way life has always been, right? Right.
So, therefore, I am done denying this shit to myself.
I have a thing for Josh.
Plain and simple.
And I don't know where this will take me or how things will end up, but goddamnit, I have a thing for Josh.
And I'm sorry if everyone else "doesn't approve", because it's just too fucking bad.
End rant.
Lovelovelove,
Morgan
So, straight up, here it is: I have a thing for Joshua.
Plain and simple.
And I am tired of my friends trying to influence my feelings. Because it is not working. At all. Sure, he's not perfect -- but neither am I. Nobody is. If we look for all of the reasons why we shouldn't do something in life, we might miss all of the reasons why we should. And I don't want to miss out on something potentially wonderful because of my silly fears of what could potentially go wrong.
SHIT HAPPENS. SHIT GOES WRONG. And you know what? We deal with it. We always have, we always will. That's life, and it's how life will always be. So there is no reason to wait around for life to change, because it won't. There will always be risks in life. Always. But if we never take risks, we will never get anywhere. We will miss out on so much. We will always ask "what if?", but we will never really know.
And that's why I'm done pretending like I don't have feelings for Josh. Because I do. He makes me happy in some weird, unexplainable way. He listens, he cares, and he talks to me when nobody else will. And he's such a strong person -- God, he's a strong person. Stronger than most of the people I know combined. And he's been through hell and back and he's still strong. He's still standing. And he's still working to make something great of his life. He is determined. He is hilarious. And he makes me happy, goddamnit. I'm tired of caring if he doesn't make Caitlin or Alex or Danne or Gloria or Tyler or any-fucking-one else happy. They don't talk to him, so why should it matter if he lives up to their standards? It shouldn't. And it no longer does. I can easily, EASILY say that I have made better choices relationship-wise than most of the people telling me that I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I know how to hold a relationship. I know how to deal with people. I know how to compromise and work shit out. I know how to handle this kind of stuff, I did for 3 years straight and made shit work when nobody else thought it could or would. I am a big girl, and I don't need people holding my hand and guarding me throughout life. I can deal with shit myself. And in the worst case scenario, I'll learn a little something from it if shit goes wrong. That's the way life has always been, right? Right.
So, therefore, I am done denying this shit to myself.
I have a thing for Josh.
Plain and simple.
And I don't know where this will take me or how things will end up, but goddamnit, I have a thing for Josh.
And I'm sorry if everyone else "doesn't approve", because it's just too fucking bad.
End rant.
Lovelovelove,
Morgan
The Dog Days Are Over.
And I never wanted anything from you
except everything you had and what was left after that, too.
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back,
struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that.
So. Today was relatively normal, I guess.
I don't know.
I guess I wouldn't be blogging if it was a normal day.
Ugh.
I guess I'm just confused about Josh. I don't get it. One day, he seems so into me. So ready to show me everything he has to offer, and more. But the next day, he seems so ...indifferent. Like it wouldn't matter whether I talked to him or not. He said that wasn't true, but I don't know. He's just been acting really odd for the past few days. I wonder if it's just Henderson getting to him, though. I know he's much happier here in Wilmington. His dad is gone all week long, so I know it mustn't be fun to come home to an empty house every day. To eat alone, sleep alone, and wake up and do it all over again -- alone. So, in that sense, I can understand why he's not as happy when he goes back to Henderson. But, I like happy Josh. ): ...A lot. :)
Sdfgh. I feel really bad. Josh read my blog entry yesterday and I think it upset him/made him doubt whatever it is we've got going. Either that, or it just confused him. I really don't know. But I feel bad, because. I don't know. I don't want him to doubt things. There is nothing to doubt. I have feelings for him, plain and simple. Sure, my friends don't approve, but I don't really listen to them as much as people think I do, anyways. I didn't listen to them about shit with Dre, so I don't see why this would be any different. Yeah, I'm scared as hell to get into another relationship after having my heart fucking ripped out and stomped into a million fucking pieces, but that doesn't mean that I don't have feelings for him. I am just scared. Scared scared scared. I cannot go through that shit again. No way, no how. Not now. I can't. But that doesn't mean that I can't have feelings for someone, does it? I just don't want to commit this very day, minute, and second. Not yet. That doesn't mean that I won't at some point -- that point just won't be today. I guess we'll see whenever he moves to Wilmington for the summer (which I'm really excited for, by the way).
SPEAKING OF SUMMER. This summer is going to be freakin' incredible. I will (more than likely) be going to visit Camille starting a week or so after school lets out for the summer. She said I could visit anywhere between June 16th and July 8th, and could stay the whole time if I wanted to. Josh says 22 days is too long. I mean, 22 days in France would be incredible -- but, am I ready to just up and leave my whole life for almost a month? No, not really. Plus, Josh is moving back this summer. Him moving back won't prevent me from visiting France, but I would like to spend time with him this summer. We haven't been able to hang out for an extended period of time in ...well, ever. So it'll be neat to see how our friendship blossoms once he's here. Maybe we'll be more than just friends, maybe not. Only time will tell, I guess.
BUT I HATE THAT SHIT. "Only time will tell." I know I say it all of the time, but I want to know NOWWW. Because I am an impatient bitch. Oops. <3
ANYWAYS. That's all for now.
Lovelovelove,
Morgan
except everything you had and what was left after that, too.
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back,
struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that.
So. Today was relatively normal, I guess.
I don't know.
I guess I wouldn't be blogging if it was a normal day.
Ugh.
I guess I'm just confused about Josh. I don't get it. One day, he seems so into me. So ready to show me everything he has to offer, and more. But the next day, he seems so ...indifferent. Like it wouldn't matter whether I talked to him or not. He said that wasn't true, but I don't know. He's just been acting really odd for the past few days. I wonder if it's just Henderson getting to him, though. I know he's much happier here in Wilmington. His dad is gone all week long, so I know it mustn't be fun to come home to an empty house every day. To eat alone, sleep alone, and wake up and do it all over again -- alone. So, in that sense, I can understand why he's not as happy when he goes back to Henderson. But, I like happy Josh. ): ...A lot. :)
Sdfgh. I feel really bad. Josh read my blog entry yesterday and I think it upset him/made him doubt whatever it is we've got going. Either that, or it just confused him. I really don't know. But I feel bad, because. I don't know. I don't want him to doubt things. There is nothing to doubt. I have feelings for him, plain and simple. Sure, my friends don't approve, but I don't really listen to them as much as people think I do, anyways. I didn't listen to them about shit with Dre, so I don't see why this would be any different. Yeah, I'm scared as hell to get into another relationship after having my heart fucking ripped out and stomped into a million fucking pieces, but that doesn't mean that I don't have feelings for him. I am just scared. Scared scared scared. I cannot go through that shit again. No way, no how. Not now. I can't. But that doesn't mean that I can't have feelings for someone, does it? I just don't want to commit this very day, minute, and second. Not yet. That doesn't mean that I won't at some point -- that point just won't be today. I guess we'll see whenever he moves to Wilmington for the summer (which I'm really excited for, by the way).
SPEAKING OF SUMMER. This summer is going to be freakin' incredible. I will (more than likely) be going to visit Camille starting a week or so after school lets out for the summer. She said I could visit anywhere between June 16th and July 8th, and could stay the whole time if I wanted to. Josh says 22 days is too long. I mean, 22 days in France would be incredible -- but, am I ready to just up and leave my whole life for almost a month? No, not really. Plus, Josh is moving back this summer. Him moving back won't prevent me from visiting France, but I would like to spend time with him this summer. We haven't been able to hang out for an extended period of time in ...well, ever. So it'll be neat to see how our friendship blossoms once he's here. Maybe we'll be more than just friends, maybe not. Only time will tell, I guess.
BUT I HATE THAT SHIT. "Only time will tell." I know I say it all of the time, but I want to know NOWWW. Because I am an impatient bitch. Oops. <3
ANYWAYS. That's all for now.
Lovelovelove,
Morgan
Monday, May 9, 2011
It's been awhile.
God, I honestly can't remember the last time that I blogged. It's been way way way too long, but I've been terribly busy and blogging can't always be on the top of my priority list.
Anyways, Dre and I broke up abouttt. A month and a half ago? I don't know, something like that. I won't pretend it wasn't easy. I won't pretend I didn't hurt. In fact, I won't pretend like there are full days where all I can remember doing is staring at the walls and praying to God that maybe, just maybe, he'd see the light and call me. Luckily, those days are over. I no longer stare at walls for no apparent reason for hours on end. I no longer burst out crying without warning. I no longer sleep all night and feel as if I haven't slept in days. I no longer listen to "our songs" and wonder if he still listens to them. I no longer sleep with his teddy bears or sleep in his shirts (unless I can't find anything else to sleep in, but I do so with hesitation). I no longer keep his texts as long as possible incase I don't talk to him for another few days. I'm no longer captivated by his love. I mean, I won't deny that I loved him. I did. God, I loved him with all of my heart. But sometimes, things change, y'know? People grow and people move on. Hearts change. And sometimes there isn't anything we can do about it.
Thankfully, now, I've found the strength within myself to get over him. In fact, it's a strength that, when I was with him, I didn't know I had. I had no idea how to be happy on my own, at first. I hadn't needed to find it within myself to be happy on my own for over 3 years. And at first, I had no idea what I would do -- I really didn't. But, with each day that passed, that strength that had been hiding slowly surfaced, and I was okay again. I felt whole. In a weird way, it's almost like by losing him, I found a part of myself because I was forced to dig deep inside of myself to find the parts of me that I'd lost. And now -- now, things are great. My self-confidence has skyrocketed. I no longer have to/can rely on him to tell me I look pretty -- I've got to believe, myself, that I am. I've got to realize that I'm a good person. That I'm charming. That there is something attractive about me to someone. That I'm strong. That I'm happy. That I'm worth it. And really, it's much easier than I thought.
I've been talking to Josh a lot lately. And by a lot, I mean pretty much all day, every day. At first, it felt weird. In the back of my mind, I thought "Dre never really liked Josh. Should I be talking to him now?" and the only answer I could think of was "yes." When I was dating Dre, and he threw a fit about me talking to Josh, it meant something to me. I never wanted to upset him. But, during the time when I dated Dre, I put my friends on the backburner. I won't pretend I didn't, because I did. And I lost some pretty good friends. And now that I'm not dating Dre, I refuse to let him have a say in who I talk to -- because, ultimately, it's my choice. So, I'm talking to Josh again. I don't think I realized how much I missed Josh until I started talking to him again. He's a ...different kid. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I guess that Josh is just unlike anyone else that I've ever met. He's got his problems and he's not afraid to admit them. He's been through hell and back and he still has the strength to keep moving forward. He's funny, but in a weird way that most people don't understand. He's Josh, and that's the best (and probably) only way to describe him.
Since I've been talking to Josh more, he's told me that he's been developing feelings for me. Strong feelings. And by the way he talks to me, it's glaringly apparent. The girls don't like that Josh has feelings for me, though. They've told me more times than I can count that I should guard my heart, especially from him. They swear up and down that things would never work. And I won't lie, I've contemplated things myself. Will it work? Will I get my heart broken? Will I, once again, be left with nothing? I guess I'll never know the answers to these questions unless our relationship continues to blossom. But, in all honesty, I'm terrified. Absolutely fucking terrified. I've just been through heartbreak -- though it should more aptly be called Hell on earth. I just can't do it again. I can't. I was beaten down until I felt so small and insignificant as humanly possible, and I just can't go through that again. I'm a strong person, but damn. I don't know if I'm that strong. Ugh.
Essentially, I am terrified to commit to anything until I am absolutely sure that he would be able to take care of my heart. It's been through enough lately. I mean, the girls have constantly told me, "Your lifestyles are so different. How are you going to feel when he calls you drunk, or goes to some party, or tries to kiss you with smoke breath?". And I won't lie, they have a valid point. I hate being called drunk or being around people that smoke. After dealing with Anna and Tony's alcoholism for nearly 5 or 6 years, I'm done with it. I refuse to be assosiated with people who cannot control themselves. And, I'm not saying that Josh is an alcoholic by any means, because he's not. But he drinks. And that terrifies me. After all of the things Tony tried to do to me in his drunken revels, I am absolutely terrified of being with someone who drinks at all. It just brings back too many memories that I would rather have buried away forever. And smoke -- oh, God. Do not get me started on that. It repulses me. Cait told me Saturday night, "He would have to basically change who he is for you. You do realize that, right? I wouldn't get your hopes up, though. I really don't think he would." I mean, Josh told me last night that he knew he would have to make changes for me, so I know he's aware of the type of person that I would consider "boyfriend material", and that he'd have to make some changes to match up with the profile that I'm looking for. But, do I want him to change who he is for me? No, not at all. I just want him to be himself. I mean, would his drinking and smoking deter me from wanting to be with him? Honestly, maybe. It would make me feel unsure about how well he'd take care of my heart. Not that I think he's a sloppy drunk or anything, but I do know the things alcohol will make people do. And I refuse to fall victim to it.
I really have no idea what to do. I know he really has developed feelings for me; and I won't deny that I've developed some for him as well. But I am so god damn terrified that it's unreal. I don't think the girls, Tyler, Alex, or Danne understand whatever it is that we've got going. All of them are so against me talking to him, so they refuse to see past that. They all think he's bad news for me. Especially after the other night at the boardwalk, Danne and Alex both told me that they "don't approve". And I guess I could see why. He showed up smelling of alcohol and left without a word to me. Did that set a good first impression with Danne and Alex? No, not at all. I told Heidi about how he left, and she told me that it really bothered her that he did that. If he walks away without a word once, will he do it again? I don't know. But I won't deny that it sort of hurt to see him just leave. In a way, I guess it reminded me of Dre; to just up and leave without much of an explanation or reason why. To leave me blindsided as to what the fuck was going on, how he felt, or what I'd done wrong. I mean, I know I didn't talk to him as much as I should have while he was on the lifeguard stand with everyone, but he shut down -- and I had no idea how to react. And I knew everyone else felt really awkward with Josh being around, so it sort of had me torn. I knew that if I let him get too close to me, everyone would freak out. So, of course, I did the only thing little 'ol me could think to do -- I sat by his legs. Wait, what? Yeah. I did. I sat by his legs. AWESOME PLAN, MORGAN. No, but I really had no idea what else to do. I knew he felt out of the loop and I didn't know how to pull him in, so I sat by his legs. It probably didn't mean anything to him, though. I guess it shouldn't have. But I'm weird. And to me, it was the physical closeness that made me think that things would be okay. Like, in some weird way, I thought that if I made sure that some part of me was, if only barely, touching him at all times, that he would feel better. Open up. Awake from his stupor, or whatever it was that he was in. I guess I'm such an insightful and deep person, that small things like that seem so natural to me. Subtle things. Weird, unexplainable things. And thinking about it now, how would leaning against his legs fix any sort of problem that existed? But, at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do, though I'm not really sure why. ...Clearly, not everyone thinks like me or understands my insanity. Oops.
I guess I was hoping that everyone would hit it off -- that they'd leave telling me how awesome Josh was, or something. I suppose it was wishful thinking, as the opposite reaction was provoked. I just. Sdfgh. It's so hard to fall for someone that you know your friends don't like. But, at the same time, everyone told me not to date Dre -- and yet, we spent 3 amazing years together. So, will I listen to everything my friends say at this point? No. I'd rather follow my heart -- clearly, it's worked out much better in the past than listening to them. And I can't remember if I've already said this, but I don't think my friends quite understand the complexity of the situation at hand. Josh is sweet. Behind the guns, drinking, smoking, and general badass vibe he tends to give off, he's sweet. He's a person, whether they realize it or not. He's laughed with me, cried with me, and been there for me when nobody else has. There's more to him than they've seen. So, it's hard to take everything they say about him seriously, although I do understand their concerns with me getting my heart broken. It IS a possibility; but it always will be, no matter who I end up with. There is always a chance that I will be broken down to nothing, once again.
But, should I let that hold me back?
I guess only time will tell.
Don't get me wrong, though -- Josh makes me really happy. I love waking up to his texts and falling asleep to them at night. I love the way he makes me feel just so unbearably happy. I love his quirky jokes and the weird conversations we have. I love the way he keeps me thinking about him, even when I shouldn't be. I just adore it.
Also, listen to THIS. I listened to it the whole time I wrote this blog. The song and video absolutely captivate me -- they're so damn beautiful.
Lovelovelove,
Morgan
Anyways, Dre and I broke up abouttt. A month and a half ago? I don't know, something like that. I won't pretend it wasn't easy. I won't pretend I didn't hurt. In fact, I won't pretend like there are full days where all I can remember doing is staring at the walls and praying to God that maybe, just maybe, he'd see the light and call me. Luckily, those days are over. I no longer stare at walls for no apparent reason for hours on end. I no longer burst out crying without warning. I no longer sleep all night and feel as if I haven't slept in days. I no longer listen to "our songs" and wonder if he still listens to them. I no longer sleep with his teddy bears or sleep in his shirts (unless I can't find anything else to sleep in, but I do so with hesitation). I no longer keep his texts as long as possible incase I don't talk to him for another few days. I'm no longer captivated by his love. I mean, I won't deny that I loved him. I did. God, I loved him with all of my heart. But sometimes, things change, y'know? People grow and people move on. Hearts change. And sometimes there isn't anything we can do about it.
Thankfully, now, I've found the strength within myself to get over him. In fact, it's a strength that, when I was with him, I didn't know I had. I had no idea how to be happy on my own, at first. I hadn't needed to find it within myself to be happy on my own for over 3 years. And at first, I had no idea what I would do -- I really didn't. But, with each day that passed, that strength that had been hiding slowly surfaced, and I was okay again. I felt whole. In a weird way, it's almost like by losing him, I found a part of myself because I was forced to dig deep inside of myself to find the parts of me that I'd lost. And now -- now, things are great. My self-confidence has skyrocketed. I no longer have to/can rely on him to tell me I look pretty -- I've got to believe, myself, that I am. I've got to realize that I'm a good person. That I'm charming. That there is something attractive about me to someone. That I'm strong. That I'm happy. That I'm worth it. And really, it's much easier than I thought.
I've been talking to Josh a lot lately. And by a lot, I mean pretty much all day, every day. At first, it felt weird. In the back of my mind, I thought "Dre never really liked Josh. Should I be talking to him now?" and the only answer I could think of was "yes." When I was dating Dre, and he threw a fit about me talking to Josh, it meant something to me. I never wanted to upset him. But, during the time when I dated Dre, I put my friends on the backburner. I won't pretend I didn't, because I did. And I lost some pretty good friends. And now that I'm not dating Dre, I refuse to let him have a say in who I talk to -- because, ultimately, it's my choice. So, I'm talking to Josh again. I don't think I realized how much I missed Josh until I started talking to him again. He's a ...different kid. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I guess that Josh is just unlike anyone else that I've ever met. He's got his problems and he's not afraid to admit them. He's been through hell and back and he still has the strength to keep moving forward. He's funny, but in a weird way that most people don't understand. He's Josh, and that's the best (and probably) only way to describe him.
Since I've been talking to Josh more, he's told me that he's been developing feelings for me. Strong feelings. And by the way he talks to me, it's glaringly apparent. The girls don't like that Josh has feelings for me, though. They've told me more times than I can count that I should guard my heart, especially from him. They swear up and down that things would never work. And I won't lie, I've contemplated things myself. Will it work? Will I get my heart broken? Will I, once again, be left with nothing? I guess I'll never know the answers to these questions unless our relationship continues to blossom. But, in all honesty, I'm terrified. Absolutely fucking terrified. I've just been through heartbreak -- though it should more aptly be called Hell on earth. I just can't do it again. I can't. I was beaten down until I felt so small and insignificant as humanly possible, and I just can't go through that again. I'm a strong person, but damn. I don't know if I'm that strong. Ugh.
Essentially, I am terrified to commit to anything until I am absolutely sure that he would be able to take care of my heart. It's been through enough lately. I mean, the girls have constantly told me, "Your lifestyles are so different. How are you going to feel when he calls you drunk, or goes to some party, or tries to kiss you with smoke breath?". And I won't lie, they have a valid point. I hate being called drunk or being around people that smoke. After dealing with Anna and Tony's alcoholism for nearly 5 or 6 years, I'm done with it. I refuse to be assosiated with people who cannot control themselves. And, I'm not saying that Josh is an alcoholic by any means, because he's not. But he drinks. And that terrifies me. After all of the things Tony tried to do to me in his drunken revels, I am absolutely terrified of being with someone who drinks at all. It just brings back too many memories that I would rather have buried away forever. And smoke -- oh, God. Do not get me started on that. It repulses me. Cait told me Saturday night, "He would have to basically change who he is for you. You do realize that, right? I wouldn't get your hopes up, though. I really don't think he would." I mean, Josh told me last night that he knew he would have to make changes for me, so I know he's aware of the type of person that I would consider "boyfriend material", and that he'd have to make some changes to match up with the profile that I'm looking for. But, do I want him to change who he is for me? No, not at all. I just want him to be himself. I mean, would his drinking and smoking deter me from wanting to be with him? Honestly, maybe. It would make me feel unsure about how well he'd take care of my heart. Not that I think he's a sloppy drunk or anything, but I do know the things alcohol will make people do. And I refuse to fall victim to it.
I really have no idea what to do. I know he really has developed feelings for me; and I won't deny that I've developed some for him as well. But I am so god damn terrified that it's unreal. I don't think the girls, Tyler, Alex, or Danne understand whatever it is that we've got going. All of them are so against me talking to him, so they refuse to see past that. They all think he's bad news for me. Especially after the other night at the boardwalk, Danne and Alex both told me that they "don't approve". And I guess I could see why. He showed up smelling of alcohol and left without a word to me. Did that set a good first impression with Danne and Alex? No, not at all. I told Heidi about how he left, and she told me that it really bothered her that he did that. If he walks away without a word once, will he do it again? I don't know. But I won't deny that it sort of hurt to see him just leave. In a way, I guess it reminded me of Dre; to just up and leave without much of an explanation or reason why. To leave me blindsided as to what the fuck was going on, how he felt, or what I'd done wrong. I mean, I know I didn't talk to him as much as I should have while he was on the lifeguard stand with everyone, but he shut down -- and I had no idea how to react. And I knew everyone else felt really awkward with Josh being around, so it sort of had me torn. I knew that if I let him get too close to me, everyone would freak out. So, of course, I did the only thing little 'ol me could think to do -- I sat by his legs. Wait, what? Yeah. I did. I sat by his legs. AWESOME PLAN, MORGAN. No, but I really had no idea what else to do. I knew he felt out of the loop and I didn't know how to pull him in, so I sat by his legs. It probably didn't mean anything to him, though. I guess it shouldn't have. But I'm weird. And to me, it was the physical closeness that made me think that things would be okay. Like, in some weird way, I thought that if I made sure that some part of me was, if only barely, touching him at all times, that he would feel better. Open up. Awake from his stupor, or whatever it was that he was in. I guess I'm such an insightful and deep person, that small things like that seem so natural to me. Subtle things. Weird, unexplainable things. And thinking about it now, how would leaning against his legs fix any sort of problem that existed? But, at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do, though I'm not really sure why. ...Clearly, not everyone thinks like me or understands my insanity. Oops.
I guess I was hoping that everyone would hit it off -- that they'd leave telling me how awesome Josh was, or something. I suppose it was wishful thinking, as the opposite reaction was provoked. I just. Sdfgh. It's so hard to fall for someone that you know your friends don't like. But, at the same time, everyone told me not to date Dre -- and yet, we spent 3 amazing years together. So, will I listen to everything my friends say at this point? No. I'd rather follow my heart -- clearly, it's worked out much better in the past than listening to them. And I can't remember if I've already said this, but I don't think my friends quite understand the complexity of the situation at hand. Josh is sweet. Behind the guns, drinking, smoking, and general badass vibe he tends to give off, he's sweet. He's a person, whether they realize it or not. He's laughed with me, cried with me, and been there for me when nobody else has. There's more to him than they've seen. So, it's hard to take everything they say about him seriously, although I do understand their concerns with me getting my heart broken. It IS a possibility; but it always will be, no matter who I end up with. There is always a chance that I will be broken down to nothing, once again.
But, should I let that hold me back?
I guess only time will tell.
Don't get me wrong, though -- Josh makes me really happy. I love waking up to his texts and falling asleep to them at night. I love the way he makes me feel just so unbearably happy. I love his quirky jokes and the weird conversations we have. I love the way he keeps me thinking about him, even when I shouldn't be. I just adore it.
Also, listen to THIS. I listened to it the whole time I wrote this blog. The song and video absolutely captivate me -- they're so damn beautiful.
Lovelovelove,
Morgan
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