It's been awhile.

God, I honestly can't remember the last time that I blogged. It's been way way way too long, but I've been terribly busy and blogging can't always be on the top of my priority list.
Anyways, Dre and I broke up abouttt. A month and a half ago? I don't know, something like that. I won't pretend it wasn't easy. I won't pretend I didn't hurt. In fact, I won't pretend like there are full days where all I can remember doing is staring at the walls and praying to God that maybe, just maybe, he'd see the light and call me. Luckily, those days are over. I no longer stare at walls for no apparent reason for hours on end. I no longer burst out crying without warning. I no longer sleep all night and feel as if I haven't slept in days. I no longer listen to "our songs" and wonder if he still listens to them. I no longer sleep with his teddy bears or sleep in his shirts (unless I can't find anything else to sleep in, but I do so with hesitation). I no longer keep his texts as long as possible incase I don't talk to him for another few days. I'm no longer captivated by his love. I mean, I won't deny that I loved him. I did. God, I loved him with all of my heart. But sometimes, things change, y'know? People grow and people move on. Hearts change. And sometimes there isn't anything we can do about it.
Thankfully, now, I've found the strength within myself to get over him. In fact, it's a strength that, when I was with him, I didn't know I had. I had no idea how to be happy on my own, at first. I hadn't needed to find it within myself to be happy on my own for over 3 years. And at first, I had no idea what I would do -- I really didn't. But, with each day that passed, that strength that had been hiding slowly surfaced, and I was okay again. I felt whole. In a weird way, it's almost like by losing him, I found a part of myself because I was forced to dig deep inside of myself to find the parts of me that I'd lost. And now -- now, things are great. My self-confidence has skyrocketed. I no longer have to/can rely on him to tell me I look pretty -- I've got to believe, myself, that I am. I've got to realize that I'm a good person. That I'm charming. That there is something attractive about me to someone. That I'm strong. That I'm happy. That I'm worth it. And really, it's much easier than I thought.
I've been talking to Josh a lot lately. And by a lot, I mean pretty much all day, every day. At first, it felt weird. In the back of my mind, I thought "Dre never really liked Josh. Should I be talking to him now?" and the only answer I could think of was "yes." When I was dating Dre, and he threw a fit about me talking to Josh, it meant something to me. I never wanted to upset him. But, during the time when I dated Dre, I put my friends on the backburner. I won't pretend I didn't, because I did. And I lost some pretty good friends. And now that I'm not dating Dre, I refuse to let him have a say in who I talk to -- because, ultimately, it's my choice. So, I'm talking to Josh again. I don't think I realized how much I missed Josh until I started talking to him again. He's a ...different kid. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I guess that Josh is just unlike anyone else that I've ever met. He's got his problems and he's not afraid to admit them. He's been through hell and back and he still has the strength to keep moving forward. He's funny, but in a weird way that most people don't understand. He's Josh, and that's the best (and probably) only way to describe him.
Since I've been talking to Josh more, he's told me that he's been developing feelings for me. Strong feelings. And by the way he talks to me, it's glaringly apparent. The girls don't like that Josh has feelings for me, though. They've told me more times than I can count that I should guard my heart, especially from him. They swear up and down that things would never work. And I won't lie, I've contemplated things myself. Will it work? Will I get my heart broken? Will I, once again, be left with nothing? I guess I'll never know the answers to these questions unless our relationship continues to blossom. But, in all honesty, I'm terrified. Absolutely fucking terrified. I've just been through heartbreak -- though it should more aptly be called Hell on earth. I just can't do it again. I can't. I was beaten down until I felt so small and insignificant as humanly possible, and I just can't go through that again. I'm a strong person, but damn. I don't know if I'm that strong. Ugh.
Essentially, I am terrified to commit to anything until I am absolutely sure that he would be able to take care of my heart. It's been through enough lately. I mean, the girls have constantly told me, "Your lifestyles are so different. How are you going to feel when he calls you drunk, or goes to some party, or tries to kiss you with smoke breath?". And I won't lie, they have a valid point. I hate being called drunk or being around people that smoke. After dealing with Anna and Tony's alcoholism for nearly 5 or 6 years, I'm done with it. I refuse to be assosiated with people who cannot control themselves. And, I'm not saying that Josh is an alcoholic by any means, because he's not. But he drinks. And that terrifies me. After all of the things Tony tried to do to me in his drunken revels, I am absolutely terrified of being with someone who drinks at all. It just brings back too many memories that I would rather have buried away forever. And smoke -- oh, God. Do not get me started on that. It repulses me. Cait told me Saturday night, "He would have to basically change who he is for you. You do realize that, right? I wouldn't get your hopes up, though. I really don't think he would." I mean, Josh told me last night that he knew he would have to make changes for me, so I know he's aware of the type of person that I would consider "boyfriend material", and that he'd have to make some changes to match up with the profile that I'm looking for. But, do I want him to change who he is for me? No, not at all. I just want him to be himself. I mean, would his drinking and smoking deter me from wanting to be with him? Honestly, maybe. It would make me feel unsure about how well he'd take care of my heart. Not that I think he's a sloppy drunk or anything, but I do know the things alcohol will make people do. And I refuse to fall victim to it.
I really have no idea what to do. I know he really has developed feelings for me; and I won't deny that I've developed some for him as well. But I am so god damn terrified that it's unreal. I don't think the girls, Tyler, Alex, or Danne understand whatever it is that we've got going. All of them are so against me talking to him, so they refuse to see past that. They all think he's bad news for me. Especially after the other night at the boardwalk, Danne and Alex both told me that they "don't approve". And I guess I could see why. He showed up smelling of alcohol and left without a word to me. Did that set a good first impression with Danne and Alex? No, not at all. I told Heidi about how he left, and she told me that it really bothered her that he did that. If he walks away without a word once, will he do it again? I don't know. But I won't deny that it sort of hurt to see him just leave. In a way, I guess it reminded me of Dre; to just up and leave without much of an explanation or reason why. To leave me blindsided as to what the fuck was going on, how he felt, or what I'd done wrong. I mean, I know I didn't talk to him as much as I should have while he was on the lifeguard stand with everyone, but he shut down -- and I had no idea how to react. And I knew everyone else felt really awkward with Josh being around, so it sort of had me torn. I knew that if I let him get too close to me, everyone would freak out. So, of course, I did the only thing little 'ol me could think to do -- I sat by his legs. Wait, what? Yeah. I did. I sat by his legs. AWESOME PLAN, MORGAN. No, but I really had no idea what else to do. I knew he felt out of the loop and I didn't know how to pull him in, so I sat by his legs. It probably didn't mean anything to him, though. I guess it shouldn't have. But I'm weird. And to me, it was the physical closeness that made me think that things would be okay. Like, in some weird way, I thought that if I made sure that some part of me was, if only barely, touching him at all times, that he would feel better. Open up. Awake from his stupor, or whatever it was that he was in. I guess I'm such an insightful and deep person, that small things like that seem so natural to me. Subtle things. Weird, unexplainable things. And thinking about it now, how would leaning against his legs fix any sort of problem that existed? But, at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do, though I'm not really sure why. ...Clearly, not everyone thinks like me or understands my insanity. Oops.
I guess I was hoping that everyone would hit it off -- that they'd leave telling me how awesome Josh was, or something. I suppose it was wishful thinking, as the opposite reaction was provoked. I just. Sdfgh. It's so hard to fall for someone that you know your friends don't like. But, at the same time, everyone told me not to date Dre -- and yet, we spent 3 amazing years together. So, will I listen to everything my friends say at this point? No. I'd rather follow my heart -- clearly, it's worked out much better in the past than listening to them. And I can't remember if I've already said this, but I don't think my friends quite understand the complexity of the situation at hand. Josh is sweet. Behind the guns, drinking, smoking, and general badass vibe he tends to give off, he's sweet. He's a person, whether they realize it or not. He's laughed with me, cried with me, and been there for me when nobody else has. There's more to him than they've seen. So, it's hard to take everything they say about him seriously, although I do understand their concerns with me getting my heart broken. It IS a possibility; but it always will be, no matter who I end up with. There is always a chance that I will be broken down to nothing, once again.
But, should I let that hold me back?
I guess only time will tell.

Don't get me wrong, though -- Josh makes me really happy. I love waking up to his texts and falling asleep to them at night. I love the way he makes me feel just so unbearably happy. I love his quirky jokes and the weird conversations we have. I love the way he keeps me thinking about him, even when I shouldn't be. I just adore it.

Also, listen to THIS. I listened to it the whole time I wrote this blog. The song and video absolutely captivate me -- they're so damn beautiful.

Lovelovelove,
Morgan