Those god damn Prada heels.

This is the truth staring you in the face, yet you can't see it. You're blind to it and you don't even know it -- except you do! You do know it! You know you're blind to the truth and yet you do nothing to stop it. I could say you're pitiful; I could say you're dumb; Or, I could tell you that you're naïve, which you are.
The world is not blue skies and roses. It's simply not. It never has been and quite frankly, I have fair enough reason to believe that it never will be. But it's all about perception, see? It's about how you percieve things, how you understand them. You may make things out to be beautiful due to your optimistic and hopeful mentality, but open your damn eyes and see that things are not so peachy-keen like you'd love for them to be. On the other hand, you may fabricate a plethora of reasons why things are simply dreadful, when in reality... THEY. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.
And honestly, perception is something that rests solely on your own shoulders. People can teach you to percieve, but then you are simply a clone of their mentality. Think for yourself. See for yourself. Percieve for yourself.
And don't let that stupid bullshit get you down. Whatever that bullshit may be, don't let it take over. The stupid fuckers that are causing you agony today won't matter in just a few months, so let them have their little parade. Just remember that when you take your child to McDonalds for a milkshake in 10 years, those same fuckers will be making your child's milkshake. The few that actually make some sort of incentive after high school may even be busing your table after you and your family finish dining at that 5-star restaurant in Boston. Just remember, you won't be in their shoes. You'll be wearing a god damn pair of Prada heels.
I don't know where this is going. In fact, neither do you. Because I am you. This is to you. So when you're running around with your $8 coffee while your assistant frantically scrambles for that phone number for what's-his-face, that Fortune 500 guy, take the time to sit back and read this.
Read it once.
Maybe even read it twice.
Read it until you realize that what you've accomplished, you've worked for. And all bullshit aside, you deserve it. You do. You earned that nice job with its great benefits and your house and your car and that $8 coffee. For god's sake, you earned it.
And where you're at now -- where I am now, waiting to head off to college -- is a pivitol point in your life. You're either going to do great or fuck this up beyond all reality (note: please take a moment to remember who told you that. Smile. Now, finish reading).
Please don't fuck this up. It up. Him up. Whatever you're up to, do it right. And keep it clean.
And remember to stand your ground. (Just don't get those Prada heels dirty.)

Fin.
-MNM

Someone like you.

Ugh, god. Adele. Get out of my headdd. I just want to get this novel project over with and go to sleep. :( Even though it's only 2:15 in the afternoon. Oops.
I feel like something is wrong, but I don't quite know what. I've got that odd aching feeling deep down inside of my chest and that's never a good sign. I have no idea why it's there, though. Hopefully, I won't have to find out why.

To whom it may concern.

I feel the need to write this down so that one day, when I'm old and gray-headed, I'll be able to recollect the feelings and emotions that currently reside within me. It's well after 2:30am right now, and I felt that writing in any kind of journal would be silly. I always lose journals. Instead of (literally) penning my thoughts, I decided to record them here. This blog seems more infinite than a journal, anyhow. These entries won't fade and yellow with time -- at least as far as I can tell. Hopefully Blogger won't be too obsolete by the time I get around to reflecting on all the blogs I've written. I'm sure my older, wiser self will get quite a kick out of how young and naïve I am right now, anyways.

So, as for my feelings and whatnot. I know I haven't been keeping up with my blog all that much in recent months, and quite frankly, a lot has happened. Despite all of the changes, there are still some glaring similarities from the last time that I posted. There seem to be constants in my life. Y'know, like the C in calculus. Take the derivative, and you'll get 0. Nothing. Nada. And that's why we prefer to leave the constants if we can. Pull them out of the equation and savor them. Derive everything else and keep the constants nice and safe on the outside, so we know they'll always be there. Because without them, we'd be left with nothing. Zero. Nada. And that just wouldn't work.
And in a sense, Josh is my constant. He has been for years. I guess it started around freshman year. F(Highschool Years) = (Highschool Years). I would say to add Josh into the equation, but that would make him a lone constant whose derivative would be zero. And that just won't work. Besides, he was a bigger part of my highschool years than to just be added in. Really, he was multiplied into the mix. So, Josh being a constant, we have F(Highschool Years) = (Josh)(Highschool Years). And then we can add other random constants, such as Dre and Caitlin. Their derivatives, for obvious reasons, will be zero. But that leaves us with this equation: F(Highschool Years) = (Josh)(Highschool Years) + (Dre) + (Caitlin) + (Other Random Shit). Such a delicate balance.
So, if we were to take the derivative of this equation, F'(Highschool Years), then we know that the constants Dre, Caitlin, and Other Random Shit would immediately turn intp zeros. Conveniently enough, that is actually what happened. Anyhow, if we take the derivative, we are left with this: F'(Highschool Years) = (Josh)(1) + 0 + 0 + 0. And we are going to assume that the first derivative of my highschool years, F'(Highschool Years), is equal to F(Post-Highschool Years). Which, for those of you who are not quite so math minded, this leaves us with the following: F'(Highschool Years) = F(Post-Highschool Years) = (Josh). Make sense?
As calculus proves, Josh is a constant. Josh is MY constant. Through all of the tumultuous times that highschool bestowed upon my naïve, young, and unsuspecting self, Josh was a constant. And, as the math shows, Josh will likely continue to be a constant. That is, of course, unless someone wants to prove the Gods of Calculus wrong. Or tell me that my equation is wrong. (Both are bad ideas, by the way.)
So, the point is: Josh is my constant. And the reason I am telling you this, whoever you are, is because I want to tell you about Josh. Josh is, well, Josh. And I mean that in the most wonderful way possible, because I love everything about Josh. Even if he gets angry or wants to run off and play in that sandbox we Americans like to call Iraq and Afghanistan, I still love everything about Josh. He makes me happy. And carefree. And young. Young? Yes, young. In the sense that everyday seems like the beginning to a young and reckless romance, and I eat up every second of it. I love that feeling. Call me a wuss. No, better yet, call me a woman; it's what I am.
Basically, Josh makes me feel in this strange and twisted way I've never felt before. He makes me push my boundaries and step outside of my comfort zone (and I mean that in a good way). He keeps me on my toes. And though we're so much different, we really are a lot alike. And I love that.
Josh is new. Josh is exciting. Josh is the kind of reckless, young, brilliant love that any teenage girl would kill for. Lucky for me, I don't have to. In a sense, he chose me before I chose him. Or, perhaps, he chose me before I knew he had chosen me, AND before I knew I had chosen him. Sneaky bastard. ;)
Regardless, Josh is not like anyone I've ever met. I don't worry with Josh like I used to have to worry with Dre. Josh is a whole new caliber of man. I don't worry with Josh because I can trust him (...I know, crazy right?). I don't have to think 'what if', because he always sets me straight when I do. I don't have to be embarrassed or self-conscious when he's around. I can be silly and ridiculous and stubborn and moody. And it's great! Because even if I am a woman, and I am one of the most complex, stubborn, and argumentative creatures on the planet, he is okay with that. He is ACCEPTING of that. I can tell him just how weird I am and he doesn't think twice about it. And I absolutely love that.
Oh, and another thing: when Josh loves, he loves deep (no pun intended). He isn't one of those guys who superficially loves you and says sweet things because he feels like it. There is a sort of genuine quality in Josh that most people seem to lack. When Josh says something, I know I can take his word for it. If he says that he loves me, then it becomes apparent that he means it. If Josh says I am being irrational, then in all likelihood, I probably am. Josh just tells things how they are. He speaks with the uncensored tongue of a sailor. And while I sometimes have to plead with him not to curse in public, I do appreciate his brutal honesty and sincerety when he speaks. I love that about him.
Anyhow. It is well after 3am. And years from now, I'm sure I'm going to sound like a complete nutcase for comparing my boyfriend to calculus. But for now, it works. Bare with me, please.
Years from now, if, for whatever reason, Josh and I aren't still together, I'd like to remind my future self this: do not let him go. No matter what has happened, what is happening, or what will happen, do not let him go. He is something special. I know it, and you do, too. I love him, which means you did love him. Or maybe you still do (I hope you still do). But, really, I know you still do, because in reality, you have all along. You may have loved him in different ways, but you have loved him all along. As a friend, a best friend, a boyfriend and a lover. Never, ever let him go, because he is probably -- no, he IS -- the most genuine friend you have ever had and ever will have. And he is my best friend, and he should be yours, too. Never forget the way he made you feel on top of the world and then some. Most people will never be so fortunate. Cherish him, because he's given you the kind of love that people kill for. Real love. Never let that go.

Fin.
Love always,
Morgan.

Past and present.

It's funny the way some things work out.
Sometimes, the odds will be against you. And everyone will tell you that things won't work out for you. And that you'll end up getting hurt or let down or something to that effect. And sometimes, all those people are right. And other times, they couldn't be more wrong.
This time, they were wrong.

-MNM

If only, if only.

If only I had something good to write about today. But quite frankly, I am irritated and in a fairly sour mood. I think I need a nap, but I'm going out with my mom instead because she tends to make days like these better.
-MNM

Today, Tomorrow, and Yesterday.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to come to terms with the way things were, are, and will be. No, I'm not settling; I'm just learning to accept the way things happen, have happened, and will happen. Because quite frankly, it's about time that I do so.
I'm tired of worrying about the way you treated me. For the longest time, I took it as being normal -- that all relationships were like ours. You told me they were, and I had no reason to believe that they weren't. I trusted you, y'know. Not that you'll ever read this, but. Whatever. I trusted you. I really did. You were the first person I'd ever loved, so I felt like I had every reason to believe you.
Now, I know I didn't.
You were a self-serving liar, y'know. You told me all of these things to play tricks with my head. And they worked. Because I was naïve. And you know, all that shit really hurt -- except, no, you don't know. Because you bolted out of my life and left me in pieces.
I guess I sound bitter about all of this. I really don't mean to, though. I suppose this is just a bunch of pent up emotions finally being set free. In reality, I'm not out to seek revenge, I'm really not. You fucked up, and you know it. That's good enough for me. And quite frankly, I'm happier without you. Once you left, broke me into nothing, and I was able to get back on my own two feet again, I realized that I enjoyed my life quite a bit more without your stupid restraints. I was able to get my friends back. I was able to do the things I liked. Listen to the music that I liked. Think for myself. Make DECISIONS for myself. And that was so beautiful. Much more beautiful than you ever thought about being.
Okay, I'll stop being a bitch now. But, really.
I'm happier without you now. And all those things you did, and all those things you said... they're a part of the past. And even though I've let them eat at me for all of this time, I'm done with that. You're not worth me hurting. You're really not. And I've finally realized that. All those things you did and said -- those don't make ME a shitty person, they make YOU a shitty person. And really, for the longest time I HAVE felt like shit about all of that. Until now. Because, like I said, you're not worth me hurting.
As of now, I'm happy. Happier than I was with you. Why? Because I've learned a lot on my own. And, y'know, I can't really say that it was on my own, because I've had a ton of help along the way. Those people know who they are, and there isn't anything I could say, do, or give them to let them know how absolutely eternally greatful I am for them. All of them. Those people who stuck by my side will always, always have a place in my heart, because they helped me fix mine when you didn't.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, Josh and I are together now. I am incredibly happy to say that he is NOTHING like the douchebag that I've been ranting about. Sure, Josh and I have our arguments sometimes. What couple doesn't? But, despite the arguments, Josh never degrades me. Josh never makes me feel as small and insignificant as possible. Even when we're not getting along, he respects me. He makes me happy, even when he's frustrating me. He keeps me sane and doesn't let the weight of the world crush me. Even though we argue, we're still... I don't know. Normal. As normal as two odd-balls can be. We're still ...us.
And I love us. Quite frankly, I do. He understands me. He gets me. He laughs with me, cries with me, and does silly things with me. And, best of all, he cares. And I know he cares. And that's such a refreshing change from what I'd come from.
Josh is nothing like Dre. He never will be. They are about as polar opposite as they come, and I couldn't be any happier about that. I like to think of Josh as the calm after the storm. The sun at the end of the rainstorm. Of course, that rainstorm was a toxic, 3-year relationship, but that is besides the point. Josh... I don't know. He gives me hope. Hope that there are actually some decent people left in this world amongst the corrupt souls that aimlessly spend their time wasting precious oxygen and resources.
I guess I sound angsty again. I really don't mean to be, though.
But, I guess that's why I love Josh. Because he gives me hope. And he's stuck by my side since freshman year, through just about everything. And I really couldn't ask for more than that in a person.

I don't quite know where tomorrow will take me. I only know where I've been and where I'm at. But, I can tell you this. Starting today, I'm putting the past behind me. And I'm not going to worry about the future. For all I know, today could easily be my last day; and for the sake of all things good, I'm going to enjoy it. I won't be reckless, but I'm going to be happy and I'm no longer going to let the demons that've haunted me hold me back.
Today is a new day.
And, y'know, tomorrow will be, too.
So, the point of all of this is:
There's always a chance for a new beginning.
Always.

-MNM

L'amour dure trois ans.

"Pourquoi réfléchir quand on est heureux? Penser rend triste -- c'est la vie qui doit l'emporter."

Frédéric Beigbeder a écrit que "l'amour est un combat perdu d'avance", mais je pense que il n'a pas raison. Il a écrit aussi que "c'est la vie qui a le dernier mot", mais je pense que ce n'est pas vrai non plus. Mais, c'est juste mon avis. Personellement, j'aimerais penser que c'est moi qui a le dernier mot et que l'amour n'est pas un combat perdu d'avance; mais j'aime penser beaucoup de choses qui ne sont pas vrais.
J'aimerais penser que je finirai le roman de Beigbeder, mais la vérité, c'est qu'il y a une possibilité que je ne finirai pas son roman. C'est pas parce que je ne l'aime pas, mais c'est parce que je n'ai pas le temps de le finir. ...comme beaucoup de autres choses dans ma vie.
J'aimerais penser que je n'aurai pas beaucoup de devoir cette semaine, mais je sais que j'aurai beaucoup de devoirs. J'ai toujours beaucoup de devoirs.
J'aimerais que je serai en couple avec Josh pour longtemps, mais malheuresement ce n'est pas certain parce que j'irai à une universite l'année prochaine et il ira au lycée pour une autre année et puis joindre l'armée et voyager autour du monde. Mais... je veux être avec lui, même si ce sera difficile. Et je sais que ce sera difficile. Mais je m'en fou. Je l'aime, et je veux être avec lui.
Il faut que je fasse mes devoirs maintenant, alors... au revoir?

-MNM

1.6.2012.

The title of this blog is actually slightly decieving, as it is actually the 7th of January. But since I'm going to be writing about the 6th, I aptly named the blog as such.
Anyways.
So, yesterday, Josh and I hung out. Now, I'm not going to explain every minute detail of the day to you. I'm not even going to tell you what we did all day because it would take much too long to explain. But I will say this: it was a bit of a surprise. I'm not quite sure how it came about, or even why. Some things just... do, y'know?  And it's slightly nerve-wracking to think about it like that. That things just... happen. But I like to think that it's more than that. That some things happen for a reason. Now, I suppose the reason depends on how you view the situation, but I know how I view things, so I have my reason (or reasons). And in a strange way, I'm sort of glad the night ended the way it did, as absolutely and ridiculously frustrating as it was. I mean, it could have been worse. So, I'd prefer to take the lesser of two evils. And perhaps I should give it a tad more thought, y'know? I mean, I'm okay now. And I probably will be okay with it. I suppose I'm just nervous about the future and how it could potentially impact me (in more than one manner). I suppose I'm fearful of regret, but at the same time, I don't really believe that I'll regret anything. At least, if anything, I am reassured by the fact that things are different now. That all of the things I had to worry about and fear in the past no longer exist. And that gives me peace of mind.
I'm sure this doesn't make much sense to anyone who doesn't know what I know. And I don't particularly intend for it to make much sense. Nobody even reads these blogs anymore, anyways. So I suppose this thing has become sort of a diary to me. A safe haven for my thoughts. Plus, I find it intriguing that I can record the present, which soon enough becomes my past, for me to remember in the future. It's all interconnected, I suppose. It's all relative. Like the theory of relativity and all of those AP Physics kids who would understand my joke if they ever were to find and read this blog, which is highly unlikely. I honestly don't think many people know that this blog exists, and I sort of intend to keep it this way. I enjoy having my own little piece of the world wide web. It's oddly comforting, much like many other things in my life.
I find it odd that I'm even writing about this. All of this. I'm sure it has the potential to embarrass some people and horrify others. But I mean, this is my life. And when I'm old and senile, I'm sure I'll find comfort in remembering times like these. The awkward moments of my life. Those "This is so typical of my life" moments. Those "...are you kidding me..." Moments. They're awkward and horrifying and ridiculous and just so... beautiful. In a way that is ridiculous, because they're so typical of my life. And me. And sometimes, I just can't help but laugh about them.

-MNM

SDFGH SO EXCITED.

Just found out that Third Eye Blind is playing in Wilmington a month from now. I am beyond excited.
Let the wait begin.

-MNM

Blogger Mobile & Catching Up.

So, I've finally gotten around to downloading a Blogger app to my phone. I'm not quite sure why it's taken me so long to do, but I'm hoping this means that I'll finally start blogging again. I miss being able to spill my guts out to the internet. It's oddly satisfying.
I don't know where to begin, in all honesty. It's about 1am or so, although I'm sure I'll have to edit this later to fix the massive amount of typos I'm sure I'll make. Anyways, Josh and I are dating now, but that shouldn't come as much of a surprise considering that we talked for a good 7 months. I'm not quite sure what took us that long to be "official". I suppose it was partly my fault, though. All of those times where I was unsure of whether he was really asking me to be his girlfriend, he was being 100% serious. Oops. I really should have known that, though. I suppose that all falls back on the whole idea of "why would anyone ever want me?" and whatnot.
I don't mean for this first blog post to be depressing. In fact, that's not what I want at all. I want this to be a happy blog post. At least that was my intention when I began to write it. But things change, I suppose. They always do.
Like Dre. He's changed. I spent a good sum of time talking to Chance about that last night, actually. And it actually... well, it hurt to hear everything that I did. And I could use this opportunity to talk about how Katie is a fucking lying, stupid bitch and a hell of a whore, but quite frankly, I don't like her. And I don't want to give her more than 3 sentences in this blog because I LIKE this blog, unlike her, and don't want it ruined by her. Not that she's even worthy of these 3 sentences, but whatever. Anyways. I don't want to hear that Dre has turned into a drunken, drug-addicted, sex-crazed, (apparently) self-centered jerk, but I suppose the reality of it is that he has. And in a way, that hurts because I tried so hard for 3 years to keep him on track for a good future. Nobody else would encourage him, so I did. Nobody else cared, so I did. And in a weird way, I suppose I still do. Not about our relationship or anything, because the more that time passes, the more dirt comes out about him. And that hurts, too. But, I still care about him in an odd way. I suppose in the same way Josh still cares about Maranda. We can't help who we used to love, and we can't help that they were a part of our past. And we don't have to let them be a part of our future, but we will always care about the people that were once a part of our lives. And I don't think we can really help that, either. But now that I'm not around, I doubt anyone is there to care about him. The freshman girls that he fools around with sure don't. And I shouldn't feel bad for the kid, but I do. Because nobody deserves to be in that dark of a place, even if they've put themselves there.
I suppose it was sort of like where Josh was a few years back. He was in a dark place, too. Drugs, booze, girls, crime. It was his life. And sometimes it's hard to think about now, especially when we're cuddled up together. It seems like a lifetime ago that Josh was Benz, but in reality, it was only within the last few years. But even when Josh was off being Benz, I still cared about him. And I still worried about him. And I still wanted things to get better for him, because I knew he was suffering. I could tell from the 4am phone calls that he was trapped within himself,and I just wanted to help. I like to think that I did help, but, I like to think a lot of things. Whether I helped or not is not my call to make. Josh always swears that I helped, but I always think there is more that I could have done to help. I don't know what that is, but I could have tried something. Anything. Honestly, I should have just spent more time with him and not let Dre tell me I couldn't. I should have drawn him more pictures for his walls, and mailed him a birthday card instead of using Facebook. And I should have just flashed him a smile, because you never know when a smile might brighten someone's day. And I know all of this stuff must sound silly, and I really don't know how it would have helped. But, I mean... it was worth a shot. It was definitely worth a shot.
Even though I could have done better, I tried my best back then. And I still do. Only now, I've fallen head over heels for the kid. And it's crazy and stupid and we're polar opposites and we're unpredictable and... well, we're just the two kids that fate never intended to be thrown together. But we were. And we are. And I absolutely love every second of it. Pinky swear.
And I suppose that's enough ranting for tonight. My mind is slightly at ease now, and I hope I didn't unsettle yours in the process, whoever you are. I really doubt anyone reads these anymore. Oh well.

Love always,
Morgan