Saturday, as told on Sunday.

i feel odd, again. but i suppose that's nothing out of the ordinary.

friday night, dre got drunk. really drunk. he went to some party with some kids and drank a lot. they played beer pong and he was so drunk he couldn't throw the ball straight and forgot his shoes or something. and people carried him. i guess that is highschool, though. go to parties, get drunk, and not think anything of it. am i weird for thinking something of it? anyways, i was at cait's house. dre called me and cait answered. when she answered, cait gave me this look. and i knew everything wasn't okay. basically, dre was drunk out of his mind. i kept asking him questions and all he could say was "i...i don't know. i don't KNOW. really, i don't know. i don't know, morgan. i don't know." and after asking him how much he drank about 3 times, he got real quiet and thought really hard for a second, and said "4." which i knew was a lie, because i told him that afternoon if he drank more than 4 of anything, i would be severely pissed. he drank a whole 12 pack himself, but i did not find out until yesterday morning.
when i found out, i was upset. and dre asked if i was upset, and i told him yes. and he said it was no big deal, and it wasn't a lot, but i told him it was. and he said he was sorry for making me upset, but he was not sorry he drank. and i told him that if that was what was so important to him, then so be it. but i do not want a partier for a boyfriend. and then he got really short with me and told me he had to go.
he did not say i love you before he hung up.
he text me a few minutes later and said we needed to talk. so i met him at the pool.
he asked me how i felt, and i said not good. i said i felt like i did not recognize the boy who sat in front of me. i said i felt like things have changed. and he agreed.
i did most of the talking yesterday, even though it was his idea to talk. he told me he wasn't happy. and i said that was okay, i was just glad he was being honest. i wanted to scream and cry but i couldn't. i wouldn't. i just wanted to keep my head and stay cool.
it started to storm really hard outside and i got really scared. the thunder was really loud and hurt my ears. and the rain was coming down so hard i could barely see. so i went as far under the pool shelter as i could. dre just watched me as i sat on the ground and held my knees to my chest. i felt like if i didn't, i would fall apart right then and there. and i shook, and stared at him. and he just stared back. it all seemed so foreign to me, because usually he will hold me or tell me not to worry. but when i whispered i was scared, he just looked at me. well, not look at me, but he stared into my eyes. like he was trying to read me but there was a wall he could not get past. like i was uncharted territory or something. that bothered me.
eventually it stopped raining and the sun came out. and there was a rainbow. we stood in silence and took pictures of it with our phones. somehow, the irony of the rainbow comforted me. there was a horrible storm, then it passed in the blink of an eye and there was something as beautiful as a rainbow. and for some reason it seemed so very ironic to me. there was a storm, then beauty. and i can not explain why this was so comforting to me but it was. i felt like the rainbow signified some kind of hope. and as we sat in silence and admired the beauty on our own, i felt peaceful. like even if that day ended badly, there would still be some sort of hope. and i guess i was right.
dre walked over to the white plastic table and sat on it. i just kind of stood, i think. i really don't remember. he was at a loss for words, so i told him that i understood that things change and hearts move on. that i understand that. and that i would not blame him if he had because i know that i haven't been the best girlfriend that i could be. i suppose i became so comfortable with the way things were, that i stopped putting the effort forth that i once had. and he nodded. and i told him that i would not be angry if he was happier without me. that if i didn't make him happy anymore, that was okay, and that i understood. and he just sat in silence. then he turned away and started crying. really hard. i've never seen him cry this hard. he turned his back to me and hid his face in his shirt and cried. and i was hesitant because i knew i really couldn't help him all that much, because i was the reason he was crying like that. but i could not let him just sit on a plastic white table and cry. so i walked over and rubbed his back and stroked his head. and i don't know why i did this, but it felt like the right thing to do. i'm not sure if it was, but he started crying harder. and my heart ached but i did not want to start crying too, because i felt like if i did, all hope would be lost, and the rainbow would have shown up in the sky for nothing. i'm not sure if that makes sense so you, but it made sense to me.
after crying for awhile, his eyes were really red. and he was still crying, and he said he had to go to the bathroom. he was still crying when he shut the door. i thought i heard something being hit or something banging in the bathroom, but i wasn't sure because so much was running through my head it was hard to differentiate what was real and what was fake. i listened as closely as i could to see if i could hear him still crying, but it was hard to hear through the walls. i sat on the plastic white pool table and started shaking. and i let my mind continue to race even though i knew i shouldn't. and i stared to get really panicky and shake a little harder. and i could feel all this pressure to cry but i didn't think it would be the right thing to do, so i stood up and walked through the little gate separating the table from the bathroom. and i just stood. i didn't know whether to go knock on the door and ask if he was okay, or if that would be too much. so just stood. and i looked at my reflection in the glass door behind me that led to a little pool room, and i just stared. everything seemed so foreign and i did not know what to think, so i just stared until i heard the lock moving on the bathroom door and i turned around. dre walked out and i could tell he had gained slight composure but he was still on edge. he hugged me, but it was a different kind of hug. it was the kind of hug that made me know that he wasn't sure what he was going to do. he didn't know whether he should hug me or not. it almost seemed like a scared kind of hug. i don't know if he wanted me to know this, but i have a way of interpreting things and people even if i don't want to and they don't want me to.
as he walked back towards the gate and the table, i tried to hold his hand but it slipped. and this made me sad. i don't know if he noticed this, but i did. and it felt like a kick in the stomach, but i kept my composure and sat back on the table while he sat in a chair opposite the side of the table i was on. i knew this meant that he didn't want to sit close to me, because then he would feel what i felt and then he wouldn't be able to do what he came there to do. and i knew this. but i felt like if i didn't scoot closer than i was just accepting this without putting forth effort. and i knew i hadn't been putting forth enough effort lately so i scooted closer.
we both just kind of sat. and he tried not to cry but he started crying again. i wanted really bad to cry but i felt like it would be the wrong thing to do so i didn't. i just sat and stared at him, hoping he would look up and understand. i don't know what there really was so understand, but i hoped he would understand. because i guess in times like those, it's all you can really ask for. for someone to just look at you and understand.
i'm not sure if he understood or not, so i did not say much. we sat in silence while he thought for awhile. and i started to feel very nauseous. i feel like that when i get really scared and uneasy. and i knew that if i didn't start talking that i would probably end up scaring myself sick. so i asked him if i could say something. and he said "sure, go ahead." so i started talking. i did not think about what i was saying before i said it, i just let my heart do all the talking. i did not censor my feelings, because i knew that it wouldn't be the right thing to do. i can't remember much of what i said, but i remember feeling like i had let a lot off of my chest after i finished talking. i felt a little better, and i hoped what i said had made me feel a little better, even if it didn't make him want to stay with me. and i was okay with that.
he asked me a lot what would make me happy. and i told him that as long as he was happy, then i would he happy. and that is the truth. if he was happier without me, that would have been okay, as long as he was happy. i don't think he really believed this at first, because he kept asking me what would make me happy. and i didn't really know how to reply because what makes me happy is when he's happy. and even if that meant that i couldn't be a part of his life anymore, i wanted to know that whatever happened, that he would be happy and that he would he happy with where his life was going and with whatever he did in life. as long as he was happy, then i would be okay. and things would be okay. because he was happy.
i guess that sounds kind of odd. i mean, of course i would be sad if i couldn't be a part of his life anymore. but, i would be happy even if i wasn't. does that make sense? it's like. i guess at a certian point, his whole being became a part of me. and i felt what he felt. and as long as he was happy, then i would be happy, too. and i guess that's how it's supposed to be. at a certian point, you meet someone. and you become close with them, and they become your best friend. and in dre and i's case, he was my boyfriend, then he became my best friend. but at a certian point, it became more than that. he became a part of me, and i felt what he felt. and i guess that's what falling in love feels like. two become one.
but anyways, i talked for awhile. i really did want to make him less scared, because i knew what he came there intending to do and i knew he was scared that it would change things. and i understood this. and i really wanted him to know that i would not be mad. he had to do what was best for him, and i understand that. and i knew he was scared of breaking my heart, but i really wasn't too scared of that. i really wasn't scared of anything i would feel, i was just concerned that he would make the right choice; the choice that made him happiest. and i told him this. but i knew he was still scared. i guess i would be too, if the roles had been reversed and i had been trying to say to him what he was about to say to me. so, i did the only thing i could think to do at that point. i just started talking. i kept calm, because i was calm. and i told him that if he didn't want me to be a part of his life anymore, then it was okay. i understood. and i really did. i know what it's like to do what you have to do, and i wanted him to know that i understood that. so, i told him that if he wanted to go our separate ways, then i would understand, as long as it made him happy. and that i would be happy, as long as he was.
he eventually calmed down enough to stop me and tell me that he didn't want it to be that way. he didn't want it to just end abruptly and never have anything to do with me again. he told me that he had been thinking, and that maybe he wanted to try being best friend. and he told me he felt silly saying that, because a lot of people use that as an easy breakup excuse. but he told me he meant it, and he looked sincere so i believed him. he told me that he could truly imagine us being best friends, and that was what made him really sad, because that was what was making our relationship fall apart: the fact that we acted more like best friends than a couple. he told me he would still want to hang out like we did, and if he began to feel like he felt when he first asked me out, then maybe we could start dating again. but if it didn't, that would be that, and we could be best friends. and i could tell it hurt him really bad to say this. and it hurt me too, but as much as it hurt, i understood it. it made complete sense. and i told him this. and i told him that i completely understood where he was coming from, and maybe it had gotten to the point where maybe we should try that.
...but, i was scared of losing him completely. i really was. he knows me better than anyone else in this world. he's been there for me when nobody else was or could be. he's helped save me from a disease that very well could have killed me or messed my life up pretty bad. he's laughed with me, cried with me, and i've told him things that i could never tell another soul on earth because it just doesn't feel right. he's been the best friend that i've ever had, and i am in love with him. and i guess hearing him say "best friends" really scared me, because it automatically made me think of him and rosemary. dre and rose were best friends. they really were like, the picture pefect best friends. they always had fun when they were together, and they told each other almost everything, from what i hear. they had this amazing relationship that i would kill to have with anyone. but, dre and i started to date. and rose had her boyfriend, john. and eventually, dre and rose started to drift apart as dre and i got closer. and i still feel like to this day that it is my fault that dre and rose stopped being best friends. i've always wanted to apologize to rosemary for it, but i've always been too scared to do so, because i just feel so damn guilty about it.
anyways, just hearing "best friends" made me really scared. that eventually, dre would meet another girl. and i'm sure she'd be really nice, and really pretty, and make him very very happy. and they would start to date, and dre might not have time to be best friends anymore. and i know that seems so selfish of me. but, dre is honestly the best friend i've ever had. i can't count on anyone in this world the way i can count on dre. not cait, heidi, megan, gloria, or anyone in wilmington for that matter. he's that best friend that i've dreamed about having since i was little. y'know, the best friend that makes the world seem like a much less harsh place? like the burdens and faults in the world and society will not affect you because you know you have the best friend in the world who will protect you and stand by your side, even if the whole fucking persian army (or whatever it was called) was standing right in front of you.
i guess i was just scared that i would lose that. i would lose the one thing in the world that made me feel whole and okay. so, i told him that i wanted to work on a few things. that i knew 95% of the reason we were where we were was because of me. and that i had a lot of things to work on, most of which are centered around my insecurities. and i told him, it's not about what people think. it's not about how good you can dance, or how well you sing. it's not about worrying whether you'll get in trouble or not. it's not about trying to be the perfect kid, because kids make mistakes. but it's about taking the risk, being yourself, and just having fun. and if you make a mistake, as long as you learn something from it, it's not a mistake. and as i was saying all of this, i was just letting my heart talk. because i knew that my heart knew much more than my head at that point. and i was listening to myself talk, i realized that i am too cautious. i am too concerned about trying to be this perfect person, and in reality, nobody is perfect. and i think it takes things like these to make you realize that nobody is, and ever will be, perfect. and i guess i got too caught up trying to be this perfect little person, and in the process, i've been losing myself. i've been becoming something that isn't really me, and it makes sense that this would make dre have a change of heart. but, i told him that i wanted to work on these things. because it was in that moment that i realized just how bad i've gotten. that maybe if i stopped worrying so much, life would be a hell of a lot more exciting.
and he agreed to try that. because i think that's what he's been wanting all along.
at least i think so.
anyways, afterwards, we went back to my house. he had his long board, and he sat down on it and i pushed him half of the way. then, i ran after him and stopped him. and i told him i wanted to try. i mean, i'm scared of skateboards. probably because my dad has made me scared of them since i was little because he broke his arm when he was a teenager. but, i thought, to hell with it. if something happens, it happens. i won't know that i'm truly scared of it until i try. so, i sat down on it, and let him push me. it was kind of loose and hard to steer, but i let him push me really fast and i flew down the street. and as the wind was blowing through my hair and i tried my best to steer, i finally realized what he saw in skateboarding. it's an adrenaline rush that takes you away from the solidity of the world. it defies what is set in stone, and all of it makes so much sense to me now. i mean, not that sitting on a skateboard and having someone push you fast down the street is much of an accomplishment, but it wasn't about that. it was just the fact that i stopped worrying for a minute and let myself just live in the moment and enjoy it.
and now i finally understand what dre has been telling me for months.
once we got back to my place, i took a quick shower and we headed back to his house to hang out. and when we were there, i tried not to worry. so what if his parents weren't home? it was about trusting that he wouldn't do anything. and he didn't. we listening to journey and i sat on his lap and we played mortal combat. it was the DC Universe one, i think. whichever one has all of the superheroes in it. i only won one round, but he let me win. there were a few close fights, but he still beat me. this might sound weird, but i really like mortal combat. but afterwards we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and ate. well, dre and his family ate, i wasn't really hungry. and we talked about silly things that i never really would have thought to say around dre's parents before. i mean, i know dre's parents like me. and they know i'm a pretty well rounded person. i get good grades in school, and i really don't get into too much trouble. so, dre's mom asked me if i drank, and i said not very often, but i have a few times. only at home, by myself though. i just prefer it that way. and she asked me what i liked to drink. i told her vodka, mixed with a minute maid raspberry passion drink. and vodka with sun drop. and she asked me why, and i told her that i didn't really know, but i had seen my dad mix it a few times, so i kind of just followed his lead, though, of course, he has no idea. dre's mom laughed. probably because it sounded really lame and innocent, like i really didn't know much of what i was doing. and i'm not really a big drinker, so i don't know much about mixing drinks. i just mix what i think will taste good.
then dre and i told his parents about how cait and i left a condom and thong and note in ryan blake's mailbox as a prank one night, and how ryan's parents found it and kept asking him all of these questions. and his parents laughed. they didn't really think it was bad, because they're still young and realize what it's like to be a teenager.
and sitting there in the middle of Buffalo Wild Wings, i felt good. kind of like i belonged. i don't know why i felt that way, but i did. i felt like i belonged, and that maybe letting my guard down can be a good thing. i don't remember the last time i talked to dre's parents as much, or as openly.
when we got back, we watched TV. i was kind of tired, so i just layed my head in his lap. and then he layed down opposite me so that our heads were next to each others but our feet were on opposite ends of the couch. and we just kind of cuddled. and as i laid there, i thought about how our day had gone from one extreme to the other. and oddly, i was okay with that.
later that night, he told me he didn't think he felt the same way as he had earlier that day. and he told me that he wanted us to stay the way we were that night. and i was okay with that, because i wanted the same thing.
i do want the same thing.
i want my boyfriend, and my best friend, dre harper.
now, and forever.
and starting yesterday, dre harper will meet the true me.
no more insecurities. no more being scared.
no more holding back.