just me, and nothing more.

today i skipped my pre-calc tutoring because i wanted to see dre for the 15 minute ride home after school. i probably should have stayed for tutoring, but i text my mom halfway through french because i decided that i didn't want to stay. i'm pretty sure my grade will end up suffering a bit because i didn't stay, but it was a risk i decided to take. i just wanted to spend 15 minutes with dre. is that really so bad?

anyways, this morning i talked to him about our relationship. he said he was scared about if we didn't make it. and i told him that i was, too, but i wanted to hope for the best.
i just.
i need this weekend to come. i want to go to Dre's house and sing journey and dance and play mortal combat. and i want to cook for him and act like silly fools. and i want to try to ride his longboard and i want to cuddle with him and my snuggie. i want to take silly pictures and make hilarious videos. i want to dress up in silly clothes and run down the street just because i can.
or make up inside jokes.
or laugh til we cry.
or.
i don't know.
basically, i just don't want to worry anymore. i don't want to have a care in the world and i want to be myself. i really don't care what we do, i just want to not have to worry about holding back anymore. i don't want to worry about what my hair looks like or if my makeup looks alright or if standing this way makes me look fat or laughing that way makes my face look weird.
i just want to be carefree.
i want to be myself.
i want to be free.

i guess i just want to show Dre that there's more to me than a timid girl who is unsure of everything she does.
that there's more than a girl who is too shy to show her true colors,
and that there's more than just a walking trainwreck.
because i promise, there is much more to me than that.
and i want him to see me for who i really am.
only me, and nothing more.
no more pretending, being scared, or holding back anymore.
just. me.

...and i hope that's going to be enough to save our relationship.

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also, i'd like to point out that i love the show Grey's Anatomy, particularly for the quotes.

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true." -Merideth Gray.

"At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away." -Merideth Gray.

"At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves." -Merideth Gray.

"When you were a kid, it was Halloween candy. You hid it from your parents and you ate it until you got sick. In college, it was the heavy combo of youth, tequila and well, you know. As a surgeon, you take as much of the good as you can get because it doesn't come around nearly as often as it should. 'Cause good things aren't always what they seem. Too much of anything, even love, is not always a good thing." -Merideth Gray.

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need." -Merideth Gray.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross." -Merideth Gray.

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying." -Merideth Gray.

"I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself." -Merideth Gray.

"I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope..." -Merideth Gray.

And last but not least, the oh-so-famous quote that everyone's probably heard at least once in their life:

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple: her or me. And I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. choose me. love me." -Merideth Gray.

Did I forget to mention that Merideth is my favorite character?

"sex, money, girls. that's all boys ever think about."
"unless you a gay boy, then it's sex, money, boys and grey's anatomy."