So, I've finally gotten around to downloading a Blogger app to my phone. I'm not quite sure why it's taken me so long to do, but I'm hoping this means that I'll finally start blogging again. I miss being able to spill my guts out to the internet. It's oddly satisfying.
I don't know where to begin, in all honesty. It's about 1am or so, although I'm sure I'll have to edit this later to fix the massive amount of typos I'm sure I'll make. Anyways, Josh and I are dating now, but that shouldn't come as much of a surprise considering that we talked for a good 7 months. I'm not quite sure what took us that long to be "official". I suppose it was partly my fault, though. All of those times where I was unsure of whether he was really asking me to be his girlfriend, he was being 100% serious. Oops. I really should have known that, though. I suppose that all falls back on the whole idea of "why would anyone ever want me?" and whatnot.
I don't mean for this first blog post to be depressing. In fact, that's not what I want at all. I want this to be a happy blog post. At least that was my intention when I began to write it. But things change, I suppose. They always do.
Like Dre. He's changed. I spent a good sum of time talking to Chance about that last night, actually. And it actually... well, it hurt to hear everything that I did. And I could use this opportunity to talk about how Katie is a fucking lying, stupid bitch and a hell of a whore, but quite frankly, I don't like her. And I don't want to give her more than 3 sentences in this blog because I LIKE this blog, unlike her, and don't want it ruined by her. Not that she's even worthy of these 3 sentences, but whatever. Anyways. I don't want to hear that Dre has turned into a drunken, drug-addicted, sex-crazed, (apparently) self-centered jerk, but I suppose the reality of it is that he has. And in a way, that hurts because I tried so hard for 3 years to keep him on track for a good future. Nobody else would encourage him, so I did. Nobody else cared, so I did. And in a weird way, I suppose I still do. Not about our relationship or anything, because the more that time passes, the more dirt comes out about him. And that hurts, too. But, I still care about him in an odd way. I suppose in the same way Josh still cares about Maranda. We can't help who we used to love, and we can't help that they were a part of our past. And we don't have to let them be a part of our future, but we will always care about the people that were once a part of our lives. And I don't think we can really help that, either. But now that I'm not around, I doubt anyone is there to care about him. The freshman girls that he fools around with sure don't. And I shouldn't feel bad for the kid, but I do. Because nobody deserves to be in that dark of a place, even if they've put themselves there.
I suppose it was sort of like where Josh was a few years back. He was in a dark place, too. Drugs, booze, girls, crime. It was his life. And sometimes it's hard to think about now, especially when we're cuddled up together. It seems like a lifetime ago that Josh was Benz, but in reality, it was only within the last few years. But even when Josh was off being Benz, I still cared about him. And I still worried about him. And I still wanted things to get better for him, because I knew he was suffering. I could tell from the 4am phone calls that he was trapped within himself,and I just wanted to help. I like to think that I did help, but, I like to think a lot of things. Whether I helped or not is not my call to make. Josh always swears that I helped, but I always think there is more that I could have done to help. I don't know what that is, but I could have tried something. Anything. Honestly, I should have just spent more time with him and not let Dre tell me I couldn't. I should have drawn him more pictures for his walls, and mailed him a birthday card instead of using Facebook. And I should have just flashed him a smile, because you never know when a smile might brighten someone's day. And I know all of this stuff must sound silly, and I really don't know how it would have helped. But, I mean... it was worth a shot. It was definitely worth a shot.
Even though I could have done better, I tried my best back then. And I still do. Only now, I've fallen head over heels for the kid. And it's crazy and stupid and we're polar opposites and we're unpredictable and... well, we're just the two kids that fate never intended to be thrown together. But we were. And we are. And I absolutely love every second of it. Pinky swear.
And I suppose that's enough ranting for tonight. My mind is slightly at ease now, and I hope I didn't unsettle yours in the process, whoever you are. I really doubt anyone reads these anymore. Oh well.
Love always,
Morgan
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