I feel the need to write this down so that one day, when I'm old and gray-headed, I'll be able to recollect the feelings and emotions that currently reside within me. It's well after 2:30am right now, and I felt that writing in any kind of journal would be silly. I always lose journals. Instead of (literally) penning my thoughts, I decided to record them here. This blog seems more infinite than a journal, anyhow. These entries won't fade and yellow with time -- at least as far as I can tell. Hopefully Blogger won't be too obsolete by the time I get around to reflecting on all the blogs I've written. I'm sure my older, wiser self will get quite a kick out of how young and naïve I am right now, anyways.
So, as for my feelings and whatnot. I know I haven't been keeping up with my blog all that much in recent months, and quite frankly, a lot has happened. Despite all of the changes, there are still some glaring similarities from the last time that I posted. There seem to be constants in my life. Y'know, like the C in calculus. Take the derivative, and you'll get 0. Nothing. Nada. And that's why we prefer to leave the constants if we can. Pull them out of the equation and savor them. Derive everything else and keep the constants nice and safe on the outside, so we know they'll always be there. Because without them, we'd be left with nothing. Zero. Nada. And that just wouldn't work.
And in a sense, Josh is my constant. He has been for years. I guess it started around freshman year. F(Highschool Years) = (Highschool Years). I would say to add Josh into the equation, but that would make him a lone constant whose derivative would be zero. And that just won't work. Besides, he was a bigger part of my highschool years than to just be added in. Really, he was multiplied into the mix. So, Josh being a constant, we have F(Highschool Years) = (Josh)(Highschool Years). And then we can add other random constants, such as Dre and Caitlin. Their derivatives, for obvious reasons, will be zero. But that leaves us with this equation: F(Highschool Years) = (Josh)(Highschool Years) + (Dre) + (Caitlin) + (Other Random Shit). Such a delicate balance.
So, if we were to take the derivative of this equation, F'(Highschool Years), then we know that the constants Dre, Caitlin, and Other Random Shit would immediately turn intp zeros. Conveniently enough, that is actually what happened. Anyhow, if we take the derivative, we are left with this: F'(Highschool Years) = (Josh)(1) + 0 + 0 + 0. And we are going to assume that the first derivative of my highschool years, F'(Highschool Years), is equal to F(Post-Highschool Years). Which, for those of you who are not quite so math minded, this leaves us with the following: F'(Highschool Years) = F(Post-Highschool Years) = (Josh). Make sense?
As calculus proves, Josh is a constant. Josh is MY constant. Through all of the tumultuous times that highschool bestowed upon my naïve, young, and unsuspecting self, Josh was a constant. And, as the math shows, Josh will likely continue to be a constant. That is, of course, unless someone wants to prove the Gods of Calculus wrong. Or tell me that my equation is wrong. (Both are bad ideas, by the way.)
So, the point is: Josh is my constant. And the reason I am telling you this, whoever you are, is because I want to tell you about Josh. Josh is, well, Josh. And I mean that in the most wonderful way possible, because I love everything about Josh. Even if he gets angry or wants to run off and play in that sandbox we Americans like to call Iraq and Afghanistan, I still love everything about Josh. He makes me happy. And carefree. And young. Young? Yes, young. In the sense that everyday seems like the beginning to a young and reckless romance, and I eat up every second of it. I love that feeling. Call me a wuss. No, better yet, call me a woman; it's what I am.
Basically, Josh makes me feel in this strange and twisted way I've never felt before. He makes me push my boundaries and step outside of my comfort zone (and I mean that in a good way). He keeps me on my toes. And though we're so much different, we really are a lot alike. And I love that.
Josh is new. Josh is exciting. Josh is the kind of reckless, young, brilliant love that any teenage girl would kill for. Lucky for me, I don't have to. In a sense, he chose me before I chose him. Or, perhaps, he chose me before I knew he had chosen me, AND before I knew I had chosen him. Sneaky bastard. ;)
Regardless, Josh is not like anyone I've ever met. I don't worry with Josh like I used to have to worry with Dre. Josh is a whole new caliber of man. I don't worry with Josh because I can trust him (...I know, crazy right?). I don't have to think 'what if', because he always sets me straight when I do. I don't have to be embarrassed or self-conscious when he's around. I can be silly and ridiculous and stubborn and moody. And it's great! Because even if I am a woman, and I am one of the most complex, stubborn, and argumentative creatures on the planet, he is okay with that. He is ACCEPTING of that. I can tell him just how weird I am and he doesn't think twice about it. And I absolutely love that.
Oh, and another thing: when Josh loves, he loves deep (no pun intended). He isn't one of those guys who superficially loves you and says sweet things because he feels like it. There is a sort of genuine quality in Josh that most people seem to lack. When Josh says something, I know I can take his word for it. If he says that he loves me, then it becomes apparent that he means it. If Josh says I am being irrational, then in all likelihood, I probably am. Josh just tells things how they are. He speaks with the uncensored tongue of a sailor. And while I sometimes have to plead with him not to curse in public, I do appreciate his brutal honesty and sincerety when he speaks. I love that about him.
Anyhow. It is well after 3am. And years from now, I'm sure I'm going to sound like a complete nutcase for comparing my boyfriend to calculus. But for now, it works. Bare with me, please.
Years from now, if, for whatever reason, Josh and I aren't still together, I'd like to remind my future self this: do not let him go. No matter what has happened, what is happening, or what will happen, do not let him go. He is something special. I know it, and you do, too. I love him, which means you did love him. Or maybe you still do (I hope you still do). But, really, I know you still do, because in reality, you have all along. You may have loved him in different ways, but you have loved him all along. As a friend, a best friend, a boyfriend and a lover. Never, ever let him go, because he is probably -- no, he IS -- the most genuine friend you have ever had and ever will have. And he is my best friend, and he should be yours, too. Never forget the way he made you feel on top of the world and then some. Most people will never be so fortunate. Cherish him, because he's given you the kind of love that people kill for. Real love. Never let that go.
Fin.
Love always,
Morgan.
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