Call me stupid, but it's who I am.

Life has been so hectic lately. I don't even know where to start writing. So so so much has happened. The good, the bad, and possibly everything inbewteen.
I'd like to say that all has been great, because that seems like an easy thing to say. Nobody would ask questions and I would be saved from explaining long, countless stories. But unfortunately, everything hasn't been great. Things haven't been horrible, but they haven't been spectacular either.
I guess I'm just repeating myself though. Oops.

A few days ago, my mom told me she was mad that I hadn't signed up for Art 3. I don't know why I didn't, to be honest. I guess it just felt like I wouldn't be good enough. Everyone says I will be, but I have such a hard time believing them. I don't really like being in a classroom with 30 other kids, trying to better our artistic skills. I guess what I hate the most is seeing everyone else's work. Even though people will say mine is better than someone else's, I always find flaws in my own work, and overlook it in others. I don't know why that is. I guess people are naturally more critical of themselves, but when it comes to my art, I'm sort of self-conscious. I pick out every little flaw and beat myself up for it. Tell myself that I could have done better, and am dumb for not doing better. I guess that sounds harsh, but that's how I keep my drive to do better, I guess. I want to be recognized for being incredible at something. I don't want to be good, or even great. I really want to shine at something. I want a talent that makes me someone special. I don't know if art is that talent, but part of me believes it is.
I think I'm going to try to switch into Art 3 next year. I haven't made a final decision yet, though.

Aside from that, I was talking to Joshua on Sunday night. I told him about how I bought Dre a new iPod Touch for his birthday. Josh got kind of quiet for a second, then said "I can't believe you did that."
"Why?"
"I would never do that for someone I was dating. That's overboard."
"No, not really. It's just an iPod."
"Yeah, a $300 iPod!"
"Hey, it was only $200. So shush."
"Still. I would never spend that much on someone."
"Oh."
"Yeah. It's so stupid."
"...Do you think I make a stupid decision?"
"Um, honestly? Yes. He doesn't deserve you to spoil him with nice gifts like that for his birthday. What has he done for you to deserve that?"
"Well, I don't know--"
"Exactly. I can't stand that boy. You treat him like gold and he just hurts your feelings in return."
"He doesn't always hurt my feelings, thank you very much. Contrary to your belief, we DO get along."
"I'm just saying. I would never spend that much on someone else. Birthday, Christmas, whatever. It just wouldn't happen."
"So, you think I'm stupid for buying that iPod."
"Precisely."
And as this conversation continued, I kept thinking, "was it really that absurd to buy him an iPod?" I'm still unsure of the answer to that question. But, I do know this: money is not an issue to me. I mean, sure. Like everyone else, I have to make money, save money, and pick and choose what I'm going to buy. But for people that I love and care about, money is not an issue. It's about what makes them happy. To me, making sure D has a nice birthday is worth well more than the $200 I spent on his iPod. I mean, I had to break into my savings account that I was putting money in for my trip back to France next year, but I didn't even worry about that when I thought about buying his iPod. I'll get a job this summer and replenish my account. Add to it, even. But when I decided to buy him the iPod for his birthday, all I could think about was how excited he would be when he got it, and how happy it would make him. Is that really so bad that I put happiness before money? I can't help it. When I love people, I go to great lengths to make sure they're happy and know that they're loved.
That could end up being a bad thing, but for now, it works.

I need to go start on my sketches for art. So, goodbye for now.
Love,
Morgan.

P.S. I miss my twin. I miss my estrogen relief. And I miss my kitty. You know who you are.