"i'm drunk as a fucking monkey".

josh called me the other night, from henderson. he was drunk. very, very drunk. but it was nice to talk to him into the early morning hours, even if he was drunk.
josh calls me alot now. he calls me during the day, during the night, and early into the next morning. he texts me alot too. dre tells me not to get too involved with josh, but i don't think dre understands. josh is slowly becoming one of my best friends. josh has a wild life, though. he drinks and smokes and smokes more. and he gets into fights and commits crimes. but deep down josh still has a conscience. it keeps him up at night, and sometimes he calls me when it does. he calls me alot when it does, actually. josh is human. and josh is beautiful. nobody else can see past the wild side of josh. but when everyone else is sleeping i dial josh's number and there he is. and that's when the beautiful side of josh comes out. he is tired, and raw. the alcohol breaks down his shields, and there is nothing but josh. and it's beautiful.
josh is a troubled kid. his parents don't care, and everyone has given up on him. he has a few friends who are close to him, though. they've got his back. and that makes me happy. but even though josh goes through 829748392743 obstacles a day, he still cares about other people. i told him how dre's ex-girlfriend is in town. and how she upset me the last few times she came down, by the things she tried to get dre to do. and after that point, i had to convince josh for the next 10 minutes not to send his group of friends down to beat her ass. then he decided he'd just call some of his friends here in town to beat her ass for me. and it took me quite awhile to convince him not to do so. "but nobody should do that shit to you. nobody should make you have to feel like that", he told me. and he's right. but i don't want alex hurt. i just want alex to dissapear. go back to new york and fade out of my life. stay gone, y'know?
i still feel inferior to alex. earlier i had to blare MGMT and lay in my bed when i started thinking about her. i got chills and started shaking, and i felt like i was going to be sick. i stared at her picture in my old yearbook for about 30 minutes, before i threw it on the floor. i can't take it. something about her triggers something inside of me, and i can't handle it. i feel sick and nautious and want to die. she makes me feel like nothing.
i don't know why, though. i've never met her. but i want to. but i'm scared i'll probably just burst into hysterics and cry and scare her off. but she's in wilmington for the next week or so. and i want to see her. even if i can't meet her, i want to see her, physically. even if she's just standing out in the yard or something, i want to see her. and i promise i'll be nice. i'll say "hi," since she doesn't know who i am. and she'll reply with a simple "hey", more than likely. and i'll comment on the pretty flowers in her yard or something, then smile. and i'll probably leave after that. but i just want to see her. i want to prove to myself i can do that without losing all control.
i doubt i'll get to, though. but i think i might walk over to dre's later. and try to get him to skate out front of his house. he gets loud when he skates out there. and maybe alex will walk outside. i'll sit on the grass and hope she doesn't notice me, and maybe walk over and say hi to dre. and then i can say hi. that's all i want to do, really. say hi.
and i don't know why. i don't, i don't, i don't. but i want to.
and i think i just might try to make it happen.

i need someone to call me. very bad. call me any day of the week, after 9pm. or the weekends. if i go over my minutes again, mom will slit my throat. but please call me. i need to talk to someone. someone real. someone who will make me feel good, and someone who understands. someone who i can trust. someone i love. someone who will listen to MGMT on the phone and sing songs with me.
i need to talk to breana.