june 21st, 2009.

today is bec's birthday.
i miss bec. we used to be like sisters. honestly, we got asked if we were sisters at least 4 times a week.
and sometimes, we'd say yes. just because that's how it felt.
i never see her anymore. i need to call her.
i miss being her older sister.

i also miss breana. she's my baby.
and i lovelovelove her and i don't think she realizes how much.
i'm not giving up on you. ever, ever, ever.
it won't ever happen. so don't ever think it will, mmk baby?
i wish we lived closer.
people like you and me don't come around often.
people who... get it. just, automatically.
people who don't think my logic for things make me a freak.
people who understand.
...i need you. i need you i need you i need you.
it feels good to say that. get it off my chest.
i wish dre had his license. i know i could get him to drive me to you.
and i think some people would find that funny that i'd say that.
that i could get him to drive me to you.
but then again, nobody really understands our relationship. me and dre are bestfriends. we think of crazy ideas and write them down. and then we plan our lives out and make sure we include those ideas. even if they're impossible. we dream together.
and i think if i told him how much it meant to me, to see you, there wouldn't be a question about it. we'd dream, and we'd drive. all night, if we had to. which, we probably would. but it'd be okay because we'd listen to mixtapes and talk about how the stars look brighter on the interstate, and what it will be like growing old. and we'll sing the song from the wedding singer once we run out of mixtapes.
and see, that's just how we are. we're bestfriends. and. i think he'd drive me. because i've talked about wanting to get the hell out of wilmington before, and he said if i wanted to that bad, he'd drive me. so. i don't know.
i would probably never see the light of day again until i'm 30, for running away with dre, to come see you, but. it's a risk i'd be willing to take.

i also miss ry and laur.
but sometimes i wonder. i just, wonder.
they're both at peak points in their lives.
and sometimes i wonder if that means i should let them live their lives and just move on.
but i don't really want to do that, to be honest. ilovethem.
but it's hard to love them at the same time. i think with ry and laur, i have to take them one at a time. when they're together, i am a third wheel. they just. they're so much closer to each other than i am with either of them, i feel invisible. so, i wait.
i wait for... i don't know. til they're apart. which is never. i guess that's why i never talk to them :/
...my mother says i have a selfish streak in me. i guess this is it.

anyways. if you read this, call me.
i just want to see how often i waste my time writing :/