trois, duex, un -- blastoff.

i wish i had a space shuttle in my backyard. then, whenever i wanted to, i could get the fuck away from this horrible place we call home. i could get as far away as any man, woman, or animal ever has in the history of mankind, and i would be happy.
...or, would i?

i'm starting to wonder like, what it is that defines happiness. i have a nice family, a nice house, a loving boyfriend, some pretty decent friends, a cute dog, nice clothes, i'm well travelled, smart... but that doesn't really make a difference to me. to me, happiness isn't defined by what you have -- it's only defined by you. if that makes any sense.
i mean, like. sure. on the outside, i can appear happy to any living soul that comes in any sort of contact with me, whatsoever. even the people that pass me on the street, or simply see a picture of me. but what they don't understand is, that under the fake smiles and laughs, i am not happy. every day, in and out, i fight with myself. inner conflicts, inner battles at a stalemate. i cannot move forwards, nor can i go back. i am stuck.
despite having many people around me who care, i feel alone. in fact, i have never felt more alone in my life. well, no, that's not true -- i have felt more alone. but right now, i feel alone. very, very alone. and i hate it.
i guess i'm not alone. i have dre, heidi, megan, gloria, sean, ryan, cole, logan, laur... and a few others, just basically people i can count on. people i know won't shit on me, basically. but even with all of these people, i feel alone -- like there is no one for me to turn to, no shoulder for me to cry on, no help if i need it. i am alone.
i guess things have gotten better in some aspects. i mean, i haven't stopped eating like i did before -- though i've thought alot about it. things are better with dre -- most of the time. i'm hanging out with heidi more -- well, when i don't have a mountian of homework to do.
everything has it's pro's and con's.
since i've been back from france, i've had 3 dreams about france. until this moment, i haven't told anyone about them. inside, i'm aching to go back to france. i've made the decision to teach myself french. at least, the basics. stuff i'd most likely learn in french 1 at school, or something. i'm impatient to get a head start -- i want to go back. i NEED to go back. i don't know, it was like. while i was in france, i had this high that nothing or no one could ever compare to. i didn't really miss my family, my friends, any aspect of america. there were a few moments where i thought, "it'd be nice if dre were here", but in all honesty, i didn't even miss him as much as i thought i would. i was just in this surreal world of...happiness, per say. i don't even know how to put it into words, but... je le manque beaucoup.
so, here i am. sitting at the table, typing this. when i could be off doing something. but i have no idea what.
last night i got chased by some crazy-ass guy in his car. it was... scary. me and eric had to run like hell while he chased us down the street. luckily, eric and i distracted the guy so jake and alec could get away. and me and eric got away, too. but barely. i know the guy saw me, and i saw him out driving around in his car, real slow, looking for me and eric later. all because we were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
life is fucked up.